The Poetry Reading: A Home Game
Going to poetry readings – to read my poems in public – reminds me of going to a funeral. I want to go. It’s what I need to do. I know I’ll feel better later for having done it. But I always dread facing it, and I always feel uncomfortable…
Back in elementary school, I was one of those kids – you probably had one in your class, or maybe you were one yourself – who was terrified to get up in front of the class to give an oral report. The first time it happened, I was caught off guard and felt like I had come down with an illness. My heart pounded. My mind went blank. Embarrassed that I had no control over my shaking voice and hands, my face turned bright red, making the obvious worse.
I really don’t understand stage fright. It’s not a logical fear. It’s not as if anyone is going to shoot you, but somehow you feel in danger, adrenaline coursing through your veins…
When I first began reading my poetry in public, about 15 years ago, the trauma of public speaking was already deeply grooved into my nervous system. Back then, I couldn’t even bear to put my name on a sign-up sheet because I was never sure if I would actually get up and read. If the MC was an understanding one, I would signal when I was ready.
I’ve given more poetry readings in the last couple of years than I probably have in the last 15 years. The more I do them, the easier it gets. But it isn’t easy.
I have to rest the day before a reading, take rescue remedy (a Bach flower tincture for hysteria) as the reading time approaches, and if the reading is held in a restaurant, drinking a beer can really help. I begin to have pangs of anxiety about 2 days before a scheduled reading. Hanging out at the threshold of fear, but not opening the door to it, I repeat my mantram OM MANI PADME HUM (the jewel in the lotus of the heart) every time my mind wants to sink into panic.
My Writers’ Workshop and Oddfella’s Cantina hosted a spoken word evening this past Sunday night. My reading went fine. The variety and quality of work others shared was rhythmically rich and deeply touching. Not only was there a decent attendance of attentive guests, but I enjoyed myself and was probably was less nervous than I have ever been (that bottle of New Castle didn’t hurt).
Even so, I (half jokingly) said to my husband, who is well aware of the challenges I face keeping my phobias at bay, “You know, training my mind to resist the compulsion to sink into fear is hard work. Maybe it would be easier just to let myself be a nervous wreck?”
Oddly, it’s easier to do a reading than it is to deal with the anxiety of waiting for it to happen. When it’s over, I always feel better for having spoken-up. I think it’s our job as human beings to speak-up for each other and for those who are voiceless. For poets that’s especially true. And not only have I never been shot at while speaking-up at a poetry reading, when I finish reading, people usually clap.
Post Note: No one took pictures the night of the readings. The one posted here is of me reading at Floyd’s Pine Tavern, taken a year ago. The italic text above is excerpted from an essay that appears in my poetry collection, “Muses Like Moonlight” (pictured above). It’s one I occasionally use at readings as a sort of homeopathic remedy for stage fright. ~ The next Floyd Spoken Word Event is an Open Mic and will be held at Café de Sol, October, 15th at 7 PM.
September 21st, 2005 9:33 am
I think it is incredibly brave for you to do this despite your fears. I am in awe of you overcoming that.
September 21st, 2005 10:13 am
I agree with Twisted C. It takes guts to do what you are doing. My heart was racing just reading about it!
September 21st, 2005 12:03 pm
I’m with you. Once I know I’m going to be speaking, I start fretting. I wish I could be transported in time. Just put me on the stage and let me get to it. The waiting is agony.
September 21st, 2005 2:29 pm
Stage fright is such a strange ailment. I have performed for years and for thousands of people and I still get slight boughts of it on occassion. I worry if I have none at all before a performance because I think that means I’m too comfortable and won’t have the focus and adrenaline necessary to deliver an excellent performance. It is hard to find the balance between ease and enough adrenaline though. Too much of either usually leads to a less than stellar productions.
September 21st, 2005 7:44 pm
Having suffered with Panic Disorder/Agoraphobia for many years now, I can so very much relate to the anxieties you experience pre-performance. Good for you to ‘stare down’ those twinges and ride it out – living a full life. [standing, applauding you!]
The photo is wonderful … I used to love attending storytelling sessions at a few of our local colleges. Most of the ‘tellers’ were professionals who toured the country entertaining thousands of people everywhere.
There’s nothing quite like being completely drawn in by a wonderful speaker, which I’m betting my bottom dollar, you are.
September 21st, 2005 11:14 pm
Even the most seasoned performers get nervous, some just get better with redirecting that energy into the performance as they go on.I’ve been performing since I was 8 and I still get a little nervous moments before showtime, epecially if I’m doing spoken word. It’s just so unique when a poet takes to the stage and shares a slice of their soul. I wish I could’ve seen your performance.
September 21st, 2005 11:24 pm
I’m a ham on stage, but sometimes my leg will still jiggle with a tremor I can’t control. Kudos to you for facing down your fears.
September 22nd, 2005 6:24 pm
To this day I hate reading out loud. Reading from the text in class always made me quake. On the other had if I just to go up and wing it, I normally feel more comfortable.
July 13th, 2015 9:40 pm
[…] Post note: Public speaking phobia 9/05 post HERE. […]