The Unbroken Circle
How come you can get 3 months off work for maternity leave and only about 3 days for bereavement? ~ My husband, Joe.
When I wrote the “Jim and Dan Stories,” about losing two brothers a month apart, I was really putting myself and my family “out there.” And so much has come back to us because of it.
Since the publication of the book in 2003, I’ve received dozens of “thank you” emails and letters and phone calls from readers. Some have stunned me. Some have brought me to tears. And some I want to frame.
Today, I received one of those “frame-able” letters from a reader who lost her mother as a child. She wrote, “I wanted to write you and affirm how important your message about grief is and that it gets out to the larger community…Thank you, for publishing your writings; for sharing what’s in your heart!”
In reference to the book’s introduction in which I wrote about feeling like I was down in a hole and described writing the book as “taking field notes from grief’s frontline,” she had this to say… “By the end of the first page of “The Jim and Dan Stories” I was in tears and connecting with your experience. That hole that you speak of that one must dive deep into to fully encounter the feelings of grief doesn’t go away. For me, it’s just not so cavernous a place that I fall into any longer, but more like a familiar pothole on the road home.”
I feel privileged that readers of my book feel safe to share their own stories of loss with me, but that alone isn’t the most meaningful thing that sharing the book has brought me. What is even more awesome is that the book doesn’t just reach out and touch others. Those who have been touched by it often reach back and touch me.
Not only did this reader share her innermost self with me through the poetry she included in her letter, she sent me a copy of an article listing insights into grief, which starts out by announcing: “Grief has its own timetable; sometimes it never goes away.” Considering how shrouded and misunderstood the subjects of death and grief can be in our society, I found the tips – which come from a book by Therese Rando entitled “How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies – to be very helpful. They include (in part):
~ Your grief will take longer than most people think.
~ Your grief will show itself in all spheres of your life: psychological, social, and physical.
~ Your grief will depend on how you perceive the loss.
~ You will grieve for many things both symbolic and tangible, not just the death alone.
~ You may be obsessed with death and preoccupied with the deceased.
~ You may search for meaning and may question your religion and/or philosophy of life.
Touching others and being touched back is extremely rewarding. But there’s more. Reconnecting with old friends through correspondences and the reunion in Hull that was spurred by the book, making new bonds and friendships with people who have read the book all spring forth from the fact that my brothers, Jim and Dan, lived. They are the center from which it all has rippled out. Even this blog is an offshoot of the book that likely wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for them. Losing them was the impetus that propelled my writing forward and urged me to reach out and share.
Not only is the circle unbroken; it continues to spiral out…
November 11th, 2005 10:33 am
There are often times I wish I had the ability to express myself through words. This is one of them. Your post is very special, I am afraid to spoil with a superficial comment. I am glad I met you through blogging, I would be missing something otherwise! Here via Michele’s today.
November 11th, 2005 10:57 am
OMG. I was reading your comments over on my blog and came here to read your entry today. My sister was killed by a drunk driver on Nov 19, 1995. I have felt so alone in my experiences. At the time (and even NOW) everyone is like “How is your mom holding up?”
What about me???? I lost my sister!
Thank you for writing about grief and educating others who don’t know. Your words, your book, your blog is also a beacon for those of us who are in the darkness of grief.
I think you and I have a lot in common.
I look forward to reading your entries. You are bookmarked.
November 11th, 2005 1:08 pm
Hi Colleen, I am here via Michele’s.
You have a very special and unique blog, and while I have not lost anyone close to me, I FEAR it with all my heart. I shall be reading on with interest, and undoubedly a lump in my throat.
November 11th, 2005 1:23 pm
Thanks for this reference Colleen. the timeline and shape of grief with each loss looks like an entirely different beast. No two people are the same, nor any two deaths but there are bridges of commonality that people can cross in a time of loss. Some turn away and never access the other side of grief. Some never realize that something that feels so isolating and profoundly person is understandable and has happened to others.
November 11th, 2005 2:08 pm
The insights that you listed have helped me in my own experience with grief. Such a personal journey .. it is a relief when you discover that others understand.
November 11th, 2005 3:31 pm
Just blog hopping…and glad I did! This is a great place you have here. Hope you have a nice weekend.
Harmonia
http://harmonia.blogsome.com
November 11th, 2005 3:43 pm
YOU ARE A QUICK ONE> Thanks for the response and visit. I added a little note to your comment.
I am going to link you on my sidebar so I can come back and visit from time to time.
🙂
November 11th, 2005 3:56 pm
LOL. Yup, we are online at the same time.
I basically responded the same way on my blog comments…but…
No, I am not a cook by any means. I continue to try but I am not very good at cooking at all. 🙂
Do you like to cook? Or scrapbook?
November 11th, 2005 3:59 pm
You never know what wonderful new roads a tragic, unexpected turn in your life will take you on. It sounds like the strangely wrapped gift that was found in your grief was a deeper connection with writing. Besides all that writing has done for you personally, your writing has helped and touched so many others. I recently read a post that talked about gratititude. One of the hardest things about gratititude is being grateful for the growth that can occur when we find ourselves in what seems to be the bottomless pit of grief. Thank you for the gift of your writing, Colleen.
November 12th, 2005 12:45 am
I have a good friend who really needs to share on your experiences. She lost her dad recently and her whole world has fallen apart and she is allowing it to happen. I feel for her but she is allowing herself to bring her kids down with her and everyone around her. She doesnt allow anyone to be there for her. I think she would benefit from your stories.
Chin up!
Ivy
November 12th, 2005 8:02 am
> You will grieve for many things both symbolic and tangible, not just the death alone.
I think this should be emblazoned somewhere; it is the bone-deep truth and one that you just don’t know until you’re in the middle of it.
November 12th, 2005 3:17 pm
I lost both parents within 2 years and they were only 49 and 51, I am also a mother of stillborns. Your blog is very well done , great writing.
Michele sent me today.
November 13th, 2005 12:04 am
Bless you for turning something horrible into something healing….