Writing as Grief Therapy
“Everything has its roots in the unseen world…Every wondrous sight will vanish…Every sweet word will fade” ~ Rumi
We buried my older brother, Jim, who died suddenly at the age of fifty-four, in July 2001. My younger brother, Dan, died a month later at the age of forty-nine. Since their deaths, life has had a sharper focus. There are things I can see that I couldn’t see before. If I can describe what I see from inside this hole, will it help others when they are down in one? What place is this? How will I survive it? How deep does it go? I want to know. I’ve never been here before. Can I make something constructive out of the powerless feeling of loss? Am I digging my way out, word by word? I’m writing Jim and Dan’s story because after living this story no other seems worth telling, because what else can I do down here, because there’s no where else to go. I’m writing Jim and Dan’s story because I’m proud of their story. I want to shout from the rooftop how irreplaceable they are. ~ From “The Jim and Dan Stories,” the Introduction.
After my brothers died – one unexpectedly in an accident and the other from an illness – I read lots of books on death. I wanted to penetrate the mystery of death (as if it was possible to) and find proof that I would see my brothers again.
Recently, on the Charlie Rose Show, Charlie was interviewing Joan Didian, author of “The Year of Magical Thinking.” Didian lost her husband unexpectedly while her daughter was ill, and then lost her daughter. I related to the unexpected death followed by a more likely one, and the fact that she dealt with her grief by writing a book about it, as I have.
On the show, she said something about her husband’s death that poignantly describes part of the grief process, “You get obsessed and go over and over it… trying to find a different ending.
My blog bio reads: “I write to synthesize what I’m thinking at the time.” Didian put it this way: I had to write to know what I was thinking.
When Charlie asked her what has been the hardest part of writing the book, I knew what her answer would be.
“Finishing the book,” she said. And then she went on to explain that writing her book was a way to stay in touch with her lost loved one. Finishing it was hard because, she had to let go of that connection.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
November 5th, 2005 11:31 pm
hugs. I lost my brother, i can’t imagine that pain twice within a month 🙁
hello, michele sent me.
November 5th, 2005 11:37 pm
As always, another touching post, Col.
You’d probably agree, that one really need not be a “writer,” in the way we are programed to understand the word, to benefit from getting “something” expressed into words. I think the process itself becomes a direct route to our emotions. It’s as if finding the right word helps us to digest what we are facing (be it happy or sad or somewhere inbetween).
love, Kathy
November 6th, 2005 1:29 pm
Michele sent me to see you, Colleen. As always, it’s great to see your face.
I’ve had grandparents die but that’s the closest for direct relatives. A college friend killed himself and so far that’s been the most difficult death for me to deal with. While we can cope with most things, given time, your path must be a difficult one, Colleen. Both brothers dying so close together and young.
November 6th, 2005 1:56 pm
Hi Coleen, I came your way Via Michele, cause I cheated..I had left about 45 comments on mar’s so, I just clicked on your name. And so very glad I did. I understand some of what you are goimg through because my oldest sister died last February. I cannot even fathom what pain it would be to lose another sibling so quickly…I am reading Joan Didion’s book right now and find it so moving and as always, for me, she speaks from truth. I think it’s just wonderful that you are writing a book about both your brother’s….and what a terrific way to express and feel where you are plus it’s such a great testement to each of them andm further an incredible way to honor their lives. I am anxious to read more…
There are no accidents…look, here I am being inspired and touched by you, this morning, all because I clicked on your name when I wasn’t supposed to…Thank You with all my heart, and best of luck to you. Hang in Coleen…
November 6th, 2005 2:00 pm
Coleen–I just looked further and how dumb do I feel? I am thrilled to see that your book is published and in it’s third printing! Hooray for you.
I’d love to get it and I will now continue on and find out how!
Again, I thank you for today!
November 6th, 2005 3:23 pm
Hi Coleen…
Thanks for the stop at my OLD blog..L-O-N-G- story, but I can’t post on the old one…
So, here’s the address of the NEW one!
http://sitteninthehills64.blogspot.com
Not that different but the addition of 64 IS the difference….also, I bought your books!
I’m excited!
November 6th, 2005 5:00 pm
Grief is weird. I’m never quite sure what to do with it. I thought I knew a long time ago, but as I moved through the steps that everyone calls “normal” I felt more and more abnormal with every one.
I guess I’ll never really get the hang of it. Truth be told, I don’t want to practice anymore.
November 6th, 2005 5:47 pm
I find that just because the book is over, the connection is not completely gone. As long as you are alive, your mind holds that connection always. Your memories hold it for you, every waking and sleeping moment. Just a thought and there they are with you again.
Hugsssssss and hi from Michele!
November 6th, 2005 5:59 pm
That’s such an amazing show of love for your brothers. I cannot imagine losing someone so close to me. Your writing put many things into a different perspective for me today. Thank you for sharing these thoughts.
November 6th, 2005 7:22 pm
After Dad died I had a terrible time believing the finality of it all. How could he no longer be here. If he was not here… where was he? How can we exist one minute and not the next. I still struggle with these questions.
November 6th, 2005 7:46 pm
I’ve read a couple of reviews of Didion’s book. I haven’t read it yet, but it’s on my list. Writing is good therapy, I believe. And your project allows you to keep your brother’s memories alive, a noble task, which could be a great gift to their (and your) families as well as to those of us who did not know them.
November 6th, 2005 7:56 pm
Been a lurker for awhile now. Great post and I completely agree. Grief is hard work.
~K!
November 6th, 2005 9:29 pm
Hi Coleen..
Back again to ask if your computer healed itself? (lol). I wish I knew why these things happen..My very very smart 21 year old Grand Nephew called me today and he is a computer wizard, and HE doesn’t know why his computer crashed!!
I hope it’s not something that is unfixable.
Good Luck with that, Coleen.
November 7th, 2005 4:59 pm
Too bad one can’t do a double blind study alone and know which route through grief works best. Each person’s path is so different.
November 9th, 2005 10:29 pm
Nodding at Pearl’s note. A year after I lost my cousin to drugs I lost my father to suicide, but it was my friend Helen’s death that really brought out my grief. (Grief existed for the others but was much more subdued, and especially in the case of my cousin it was part of a complicated cauldron of emotions.) It was Helen’s death for which I had tried to prepare myself the most, reading Kubler-Ross.
November 10th, 2005 7:57 am
Over the last few years I have lost a son, mother, mother in law, husband and more recently my father. I have found that death is such a major part of my life,that it really means nothing anymore. My young children find no feelings to exhibit death. I have searched the net for the right support and found nothing. My friend told me of this venue. I am glad she did.
This is inspiring.
February 25th, 2009 11:03 pm
If at all possible, I would like to share my story, on the loss of my husband/best-friend 22 months ago now.
Could you advise if appropriate for your web site, in order to help others, also in this painful journey.
Its truly amazing, how many times I’d heard strangers say, it was like having half your heart ripped out……….
Now I know, that they were so very right !
But, getting any understanding from someone who’s never been through such pain, is impossible and not worth the effort !
Therefore, I hope I can help some of your readers.
Many thanks.
February 25th, 2009 11:20 pm
Hello Sheila, Please feel free to share here. This is an old post but often people land on this page and others and add new comments.
Here is the link http://looseleafnotes.com/notes/losing_a_loved_one/ to all my stored writings on grief and loss. Some posts, like the White Feather (http://looseleafnotes.com/notes/2005/07/the_white_feather.html) continue to get readers and commenters.
My heart goes out to you.