Bridging the Grief Gap
“Drop by drop we cry a river of tears and the earth is washed with our love.” ~ Jan Seivers Mahon, reader of the “Jim and Dan Stories.”
I received an email recently from a subscriber of the Museletter, the monthly community forum that I co-edit. She was thanking me for my written contributions that have appeared in the publication, particularly recent ones on the subjects of death and grief. I think she was referring to my questions, posed to author Joan Didion, ‘Is it any stranger to think that a loved one can return from death than it is to accept that they died in the first place? Isn’t the vanishing as fantastic as the idea that they might return from it?’ when she commented that her take on death was similar to mine…that maybe there isn’t any.
I appreciated her feedback, as I appreciate any conversation about death and grief that others are willing to have with me because too often it can be an awkward subject that people avoid. Death and grief have played heavily in my recent life and to not acknowledge that or not talk about it with others tends to make me feel invisible. But I haven’t pinned down any one fixed take on death, and I don’t think I ever will.
I emailed her back saying that my study of death is ongoing. On a lighter note, I added, “I might be willing to die just so I can penetrate the mystery of it. That’s how curious I am!”
A few days after that, Pearl, a Loose Leaf reader, left me an intriguing comment. Knowing that I’m engaged in an in-depth exploration into the mystery of death, she sent me a link to some writing on the subject, which ultimately led me to “Dan Blogs,” authored by a man who had recently lost his wife and whose insights I found to be fresh and honest. He wrote: Actually, I think it’s more accurate to say that you aren’t dead until everyone of whose social atom you are a part is dead. This is because we don’t live solely inside our bodies, we live outside them, too. We are social beings. We are defined by, we come into existence through our relationships.
I was so affected by my brother’s deaths four years ago, that I felt like I had been abducted by aliens. I found myself looking for others who had also been abducted so I wouldn’t feel so strange and alone. I still feel like that but to a lesser degree, and since then have lost my father, which is why I gravitate to others who are dealing with loss and why I was interested in what Dan had to say on his blog. I particularly liked his post entitled “Time doesn’t heal. The only way out is in.” In it, he writes: What does happen over time is that memory of the loved and lost begins to fade and so the daily experience of pain at the loss reduces. You begin to form new life patterns so the reminders of the difference gradually diminish. This isn’t healing the wound, though. It is simply the wounding process winding down. The knife gradually being withdrawn…
He also has a post titled, “What to say and do with someone who has lost a loved one,” which is something I also wrote about in “The Jim and Dan Stories.” I know from experience, as one who has been changed fundamentally by loss, that it’s better to say something, as awkward as it may be, than to say nothing to those who are grieving. Even a knowing gesture can offer a bridge to a person who is feeling alienated by grief.
I don’t think our culture prepares us for dealing with the death of a loved one (particularly when it doesn’t come at the end of life, which is considered more normal). I think it’s up to us. We need to reach out to each other.
January 13th, 2006 9:28 am
Hi there! I think you are right…our culture doesn’t prepare us for death.
Just found out my great uncle died in May and his family didn’t tell his bros and sisters. Then another friend of the family died last month. My other great uncle passed away on Monday and my neighbor died Sunday Night! Plus, my Friends’ mother passed on – on Tuesday. It’s been a rough month!
I Must admit the death that has stuck with me the most was my Grandmother and that was over 22 years ago! I think of her everyday!
January 13th, 2006 10:54 am
” It is simply the wounding process winding down. The knife gradually being withdrawn…” is so intense.
I have always struggled with knowing what to say–especially in the case of someone I don’t know well.
Hugs to you in your journey “in”.
January 13th, 2006 1:49 pm
This was a fascinating post. I just finished Dideon’s book last month. Having (fortunately) never experienced real grief, I found her book informative and mesmerizing. I too have been ‘researching’ death because the novel I wrote for Nanowrimo centers on a woman who has lost her husband, so I’ve been trying to learn as much as I can about what people go through. Thanks for posting the links to the other sites, too.
January 13th, 2006 3:43 pm
Our educations do not prepare us for parenthood or death.
January 13th, 2006 3:56 pm
I have lost so many people including stillborn babies,yet I still do not understand those who seem to get stuck in their grief. My makeup is such that I really do not get those that are still grieving years and years after the loss.
You are right I don’t think many are prepared to cope with death and dying.
Michele sent me today
January 13th, 2006 3:59 pm
As you know, I have lived and traveled around the world and it does marvel me at how each culture deals so differently and yet, so similarly with death. We are more removed from the process and like everything else (sex, earnings, origin of the food we eat) we tend to sanitize it.
January 13th, 2006 4:44 pm
I think everyone’s timetable for grieving a death is different and the way you experience each loss can be different. Sometimes grief can be complicated with other things….like grieving the loss of your childhood, not having a close family, or a loving parent. One grief can set off others. Also, I think some people who are actively grieving may not be stuck in it at all. It might be an aspect of what they are continuing to deal with and learn from but not the only thing going on. Overgrieving can be a troubling sign but so can undergreiving.
January 13th, 2006 5:47 pm
This subject has become a passion of mine from years of working in healthcare. We should talk.
January 13th, 2006 9:40 pm
Im not a great thinker but I do know death. I lost a daughter 3 years ago this sunday as a matter of fact and I spend every day wishing she was still with me. When she passed I needed someone to talk to and nobody was there and even now after 3 years people still dont know how to talk to me about it and I still have a hard time talking about it or finding somoen who will listen. But after 3 years my greiving should have ended.
January 13th, 2006 10:04 pm
I still don’t know how to deal with it. I keep thinking, why wasn’t I there, and why didn’t I believe it was going to happen, and I just thought it was another false alarm.
I have no one to talk to; yet I’m there for everyone to talk to me. I mentioned this to the minister yesterday and basically he didn’t respond. Just one more reason organized religion does nothing for me.
My mother’s memorial service is this Sunday.
January 13th, 2006 10:56 pm
Colleen S,
Thank you for sharing. I’m deeply touched by it.
I’m looking at a print-out on my desk right now. It says “Grief has its own timetable; sometimes it never goes away.” The woman who I quote (someone who read my book) at the top of today’s entry sent it to me. When I first read it I felt relieved because most people don’t want to admit the truth of that and it felt so allowing. I think most people want another’s grief to be over out of love, but sometimes because it makes them uncomfortable…or is inconvient.
You’ll likely be grieving the loss of your daughter all your life. I think grief is a bittersweet expression of love. Thanks again.
And Janet, please stay in touch. I’ll be thinking about you this weekend.
January 13th, 2006 11:21 pm
I’ve found that as time goes on we continue to grieve, just in different ways and in lesser degrees. With time we forget the bad times, the things they did and the ways they acted that drove us nuts, and we tend to horde, collect, and burn into our memories the good times, their strengths, the things we loved so much.
Some people have said that a divorce is like a death, but that just isn’t so. There is no way to change the grief and just remember the good times. It was easier to really grieve for the deaths of my grandmothers and move on than it was to grieve for the loss of my marriage. Maybe it’s just me.
January 14th, 2006 9:17 am
Colleen, thank you for your continuing exploration into the very fraught areas of grief and loss. My daddy’s birthday was last weekend; the anniversary of his death is in three weeks. I continue to be surprised at how profoundly those sorts of anniversaries affect me.
My friend Deb has written a book about helping others through grief, and I highly recommend it for anyone who struggles with the problem of not knowing what to say.
kenju is right in that we are the least prepared for two of the biggest things we have to deal with in adulthood.
January 14th, 2006 11:19 am
I like your shadow picture in the snow.
January 14th, 2006 6:03 pm
Amen! I recently found out that a friend of mine lost her only sister in a freak accident, the same month & year my sister was killed.
As we talked, it was amazing how similar our feelings and process has been.
Plus, it felt so good to know someone knew what I was going thru. Good in a way that tells me I am not alone. Not good, that she too has lost someone.
I find grief of my sister (13 years) to be an on-going process. I don’t believe there is an end to it. It has become part of the fabric of who I am. As I grow, personally, the challenges and acceptances are ever-changing.
Our culture does not prepare us for death in any way. Yet, we will all cross over. We will all die. My kids will have the experience of death and grief as part of who they are. And, when we talk we are very candid. They have been going to the cemetary since they were born.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
January 15th, 2006 2:10 pm
I agree Colleen…The culture does not prepare us for death, at all…and still, it seems like a subject so many people want to avoid or just not talk about!
I remember when my mother was terribly terribly ill and it certainly was clear she could die, sooner than later…I had the opportunity to actually say to her..”I don’t want you to die!” and I cried..and she answered..”I don’t WANT to die!”..and she cried…And this was at a time when people did not EVER have conversations like this…The circumstances are too long and complicated to explain but, it was those circumstances that made it possible for me to say this to her and for her to answer me…It was such an important moment for both of us and I feel it helped both of us to face a Tiny Tiny bit, what was to come, just 4 months later…Mostly, I was glad I was able to say that to her, and I believe, for her too, it was very meaningful…I would urge people to talk about death with those you love and to share whatever your feelings are, particularly with the person who is probanly going to die…It can give them the permission to say how they feel, which is a great gift, to my way of thinking.
January 17th, 2006 12:23 am
The older I get and the more people I lose, the more I am hoping that death is just a continuing of the journey. I guess I will never know for sure until it is my time to test the waters.