13 for Dads
1. This is my first Father’s Day since my father left this world.
2. Here is my “13 Things about My Father,” written just after he died. And this is the WVTF Public Radio essay tribute that I wrote about his WWII military service, which he read with tears in his eyes just 4 months before his death.
3. I just watched the movie “Elizabethtown” and loved it. I didn’t know what it was about when I started watching. One of the themes is about a son dealing with his father’s death. I seem to have radar for movies like this.
4. I loved the soundtrack. It made me want to get music back into my life, but I feel so out of the loop. I don’t know how to download music or use an IPOD, and I miss my brother Danny who died in 2001 and used to introduce me to new groups and make me mixed tapes.
5. The last time my mother and father visited me in Virginia (2004), I took them to the Friday Night Jamboree at The Country Store in Floyd. The Jamboree, which has been frequently written about in the Washington Post, is like an immersion into mountain culture. There are even (joke) cans of possum you can buy. Musicians playing old time music and flat footing dancers spill out onto the street and people buy ice cream cones. I tried to get my (thoroughly Irish) father up on the dance floor to try some flat footing by reminding him that it’s a derivative of Irish step dancing, but he only likes to dance the jitterbug.
6. Notice that I haven’t gotten the hang of using the past tense when talking about my father.
7. I’m scheduled to give a presentation to talk about my book “The Jim and Dan Stories” at the Rocky Mount book faire this August. The name of my talk will be “Mining the Gold of a Story,” which comes from this excerpt from the book: In this physical world, we have to mine for treasure. Gold and silver are precious gems are not usually found lying around on the surface of the earth. It’s the same with us; we have to excavate our own treasure, down through the door of our childhood, through the pain of what hurts, into the grief of our losses. Life nudges us to go deeper because to live on the surface is superficial. There is so much more.
8. In last Thursday’s 13 I asked for some father’s day quotes. Janet from Fondofsnape offered this: My dad to me: It doesn’t matter to me what we do on Father’s Day, as long as we’re all together.
9. Here’s the father’s day quote I put in the June issue of the Museletter: The most important thing that a father can do for his children is to love their mother. ~Theodore M. Hesburgh
10. I collect answering machine messages. I keep a small tape player next to the phone and when the messages fill up, I tape them before deleting them. This quirk came about after losing my brothers. Since then I have resisted deleting emails and phone messages of family and friends, thinking I want to retain every one in case they die. I also like the time capsule collage that the mix of voices and messages makes.
11. I collect old mountain names from newspaper obituaries. They’re like poetry to me. Here are some newly found ones…
Men: Byrd, Esker Wave, Dossie, Gratton, Oakley, Kline, Garver, and Harman. Women: Nobie, Chacey, Velvia, Ossie, Almeda, and Effie.
12. The last time I played Scrabble with Mara, we were setting up the board when she pulled out two scorecards from past games handed them to me and said, “Here. You won these games.” “What do you want me to do frame them?” I asked her, and then added, “No, put them in my coffin when I die.” Few people besides me and Mara talk like that to each other. The reason why is here.
13. Robert Frost said, “You don’t have to deserve your mother’s love, but you have to earn your father’s love.”
Post Notes: Thirteen Thursday Headquarters is here. My other 13 Thursdays are here. You can read about The Jamboree here.
June 15th, 2006 9:03 am
You can tell you miss your dad, but it sounds like you enjoyed your time together when you had it. 🙂
June 15th, 2006 9:33 am
There is a quote from The Little Prince which I don’t seem to find right away but it is something like “~don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”. Father’s day is celebrated on March 19th (St Joseph’s Day) in Spain. Happy TT!
June 15th, 2006 9:46 am
Thanks for using my Dad’s quote in this entry 🙂 I love him, even tho he has the ability to drive me crazy like no one else. For Father’s Day, he and I (and the dogs!) are going to my brother’s house. He lives on a small lake in central MA, has a boat and a small beach, and Dad is totally a water lover, so he’ll have a great day. My brother is making lobster & steak for him too, he’ll be thrilled! I’ll be the one in the fancy lounge chair, reading a book quietly enjoying the day 🙂
And it’s ironic that your first 13 was about your Dad…I was thinking of making my first next Thursday about having my first birthday without my Mom…
June 15th, 2006 10:00 am
“It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.” – Anne Sexton
your essay on your father is awesome. he was and is a well loved man.
have a wonderful weekend!
June 15th, 2006 10:26 am
Hi from a new T13er! Your father sounds like he was such a wonderful, caring man. I’m glad that you have so many wonderful memories of him.
June 15th, 2006 10:36 am
What a lovely list. And what a blessing your family is!
June 15th, 2006 12:59 pm
My father is gone, too. But there are a lot of other fathers around that I like to help celebrate. Here’s a quote from the movie “Parenthood”: “You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car – hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.”
June 15th, 2006 1:39 pm
Wow….I had tears streaming down my cheeks. You loved your father very much and that just makes my heart melt. I too have lost my father, it’s rough to see any joy in the day when there’s no one around to thank for giving us life!!
I love Robert Frost…my favorite quote of his writings is “I have miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep” I try to live this daily!!!
My Thurs 13 is posted
June 15th, 2006 4:40 pm
Elizabethtown made me cry so hard..yeah I know.. I’m a crier. Your dad TT list is so sweet…thanks for sharing.
Oh and btw I DO know what a bulkie roll is (being in CT and all) and I love eating them 🙂
June 15th, 2006 4:50 pm
For awhile I called the private number of a lover after he died, just to hear his voice on the greeting. No answering machine, though, and it only lasted until his brother cancelled the phone service. I still miss that voice.
June 15th, 2006 5:52 pm
Leslie, I think loved ones voices are one of the biggest things missed when their gone. We all called my brother Jim’s number after he died for the same reason, but then a period passes and now I don’t want to hear it…or see him in videos. It’s hard enough to remember it in my mind.
GreekGoddess, I thought you were from Greece!
June 15th, 2006 6:06 pm
I remember when your dad died, and your 13. Too soon, too soon.
I loved the post about your friend Mara.
My T13 is up!
June 15th, 2006 6:14 pm
Very enjoyable 13. It’s 3 years now that my dad’s been gone. It still seems very odd not to purchase a card and gift and I still miss him a lot. There’s just something about being “Daddy’s little girl” that always stays with us, I guess.
June 15th, 2006 6:17 pm
Your #9 hit me.
I love that quote.
I love coming to your site.
It is so well written and you are so interesting.
Happy Thursday!
Mine are up!
June 15th, 2006 6:23 pm
Your list is lovely!
And I’ll watch Elizabeth town because of your comment about it!
My TT is up too!
Hugs!!!
June 15th, 2006 6:40 pm
I loved Elizabethtown. I loved your post and as always admire your insights. I lost my dad over 20 years ago and I still miss him and think of him so often.
June 15th, 2006 8:40 pm
Love your list. I would love to go to the Mountain Music event that you mentioned. And I LOVE the idea of collecting names. They are precious pieces of the past, arent’ they? I also love your note about voices, emails, etc. from family…I just found old videos of my grandfather who died almost 8 years ago. I miss him so much and LOVED hearing his voice again!!
June 15th, 2006 9:09 pm
I saw ElizabethTown a couple weeks ago. LOVED IT!
Hmmmm….I’ll have to collect you some mountain names from the smokeys! I have a history book somewhere here on the mountain families.
June 15th, 2006 9:26 pm
I have Elizabethtown sitting on my desk & keep thinking I need to find the time to watch it before it’s due back.
That was a beautiful & touching essay to your Dad.
June 15th, 2006 9:29 pm
I feel the same way about #6.It’s so hard to believe he’s gone.I feel the pain and loss every time I use the word ‘was’ instead of ‘is’. Love your list, I can tell you miss your father very much. Have a great Thursday!
June 15th, 2006 9:49 pm
What wonderful memories, and what an incredible portrait you’ve painted of your dad through your words. I know he would be so proud of you, and I can tell how much you miss him. I still have my dad, but lost my mom a few years ago, so I think I understand a little of how you feel.
{{hugs}} Enjoy your memories of him, and hope this Sunday is not too painful for you. 🙂
June 15th, 2006 9:54 pm
So sorry about your loss. I am glad to have my DH this father’s day, as my father and I are separated with circumstances. That is neat about the voice mails, that way you can still hear them after they are gone. What a great thing! My thoughts are with you this Sunday and all who are grieving the loss of a father.
June 15th, 2006 10:16 pm
I found a card today and on it were 3 tools….a screwdriver, hammer and wrench. It read, DAD……You can fix anything. I began to cry right then and there. And realized this year I will not be able to buy a card for DADDO. I thought how perfect for a man who only wanted tools for any event and could actually FIX anything even our hearts. xoxoxoxo
June 16th, 2006 12:16 am
Yes Sherry this year will be tough.
Thanks Colleen for this; although I cried too, but that’s okay. Crying is good for the soul. But darn…just when you think you’re adjusting, something like Father’s Day comes around. Jeeze!
June 16th, 2006 8:36 am
Colleen, your father knew how much he meant to you, how much you adored him. That is important. It is important to have no regrets.
I don’t know what it is like, but I will think of you on Father’s Day and be sorry for your pain.
And I am going to make one of those blogger meetings. I think I am home for it in July and show you how to find music, test music, how my iPod works…I am going to help you find some new tunes!
June 16th, 2006 10:23 am
I was here earlier and did not comment, as I was thinking about what I wanted to say. Your posts always make me think.
How do you give talks about your book without breaking down?
I love #7.
June 16th, 2006 10:46 am
Good question, Nancy, and one I have been asked before by students in the Radford grief and loss class that uses the book. I guess I distance myself when I’m “on.” I did most of the bawling when I wrote the book, and as a 5 (enneagram) I experience most of my feelings and relive events when I’m alone. It takes its toll to speak about the book, but mostly that’s because I’m not a speaker and I have hard time remembering what I want to say when everyone is looking at me. I’m going to make some cue cards this time!
June 16th, 2006 11:13 am
Nice post, as always. I’ll be thinking of your family this father’s day. Blessings.
June 17th, 2006 9:00 pm
This is a wonderful list, and I want you to know that I will be thinking about you this Father’s Day.