Siblings: The Ties That Bond
The sadness is already there; the crying just lets it out.
~ Colleen – from the Jim and Dan Stories.
I read through tears from the July copy of the Time magazine that my husband brought home from the eye doctor’s office. The cover, which read “How Your Siblings Make You Who You Are” by Jeffery Kluger, got his attention, and although we both come from families of 9 children, he brought the magazine home for me.
When I lost my brothers, Jim and Dan, in 2001, I experienced firsthand how powerful the bond between siblings can be. I also learned how far off the radar sibling loss is in our culture. The feelings of loss I and my other siblings felt at losing two of us were overwhelming. Nothing in our culture had prepared us or validated the extent to which we grieved, as if we had indeed lost a part of ourselves.
I’ve been trying to understand the unfathomable depth of blood ties that rose up in me and my family members when Jim and Dan died. In looking closer at the sibling relationship, I realized that siblings who have the same mother and father are closer biologically than any other relationship. The only way to be closer is to be a twin. ~ The Jim and Dan Stories
Most everyone agrees that we are shaped by the genes we inherit and our early childhood environment. The latter mostly focuses on parenting, but it’s siblings who largely socialize each other (for good and for bad).
I couldn’t even look at the look-alike sibling faces in the Time article without crying. Through tears I read:
“From the time they are born, our brothers and sisters are our collaborators, and co-conspirators, our role models and cautionary tales. They are our scolds, protectors, goads, tormentors, playmates, counselors, sources of envy, objects of pride. They teach us how to resolve conflict and how not to; how to conduct friendships and when to walk away from them. Sisters teach brothers about the mysteries of girls; brothers teach sisters about the puzzle of boys. Our spouses arrive comparatively late in our lives; our parents eventually leave us. Our siblings may be the only people we will ever know who truly qualify as partners for life. “Siblings,” says family sociologist Katherine Conger of the University of California, “are with us for the whole journey …”
Or so we hope.
“Full-blown childhood crises may forge even stronger lifelong links…” I read on, nodding my head. The bad memories I shared with Jim and Dan, mostly related to our father’s WWII Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and his struggles with alcoholism, have proven to be just as bonding as the good memories, if not more so, and I feel the pains that my brothers endured in life as if they were my own.
Reading that scientists are finally validating just how formative sibling relationships are, reminds me of how I felt when the Center for Disease Control finally gave a name to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, something I have struggled with since before it had a name. Putting a name to what I had didn’t lead to a cure, just as new findings on the power of sibling bonds won’t bring my brothers back.
What it brings is more understanding, which can act as a salve to suffering. Understanding is what allows those of us who grieve to feel less invisible.
Note to my friends who have no siblings: There’s a sidebar, “Only Doesn’t Mean Lonely” included in the magazine article, “The New Science of Siblings,” citing research by social psychologist Toni Fablo that debunks the belief some hold that only children are not as well adjusted as those who have siblings. Read more HERE.
Photos Taken in 1997 at a Labor Day cook-out: 1. My brothers, Joey, Dan, Jim, Bob, and John. 2. My sisters: Kathy, Sherry, Colleen, and Trish.
January 10th, 2007 9:25 am
Hi Col,
A powerful entry today and great pictures taken in my own back yard at one of our Labor Day Cookouts.
I’ve missed reading the tidbits you pull from our past and so eloquently deliver here at LooseleafNotes. I’ve been without internet for months, as you know.*
I miss my brothers too and I thank you for putting words to these feelings.
*I’m now hooked up with fiberoptics which is faster and better than ever; so they say.
January 10th, 2007 9:54 am
Welcome back, Kath. These are my favorite group shots of all of us. I think I’ll add to the front page where and why they were taken.
January 10th, 2007 11:00 am
I love your family picture there.
Melanie and Delane might say they are survivors because I could be a bit mean….or put them in dangerous situations to figure their own way out, or have to wait for mom to rescue them. Looking back I really could be a bit like Angelica from Rugrats. Had I known how much I was going to respect and appreciate them as adults I might not have been so bad. I was very protective in that other kids couldn’t hurt them but it didn’t mean I couldn’t beat them up!
Hopefully they’ve forgiven me by now!
January 10th, 2007 11:00 am
Bummer, the link does not work. Even the search does not work, I would be interested in reading it.
Losing my sister is like loosing all of my childhood. She is the only one to know what it was like growing up w. my parents. The good, the bad and the ugly. I have no one to reminisce w. about my childhood. I can’t tell you how much that sucks.
January 10th, 2007 11:04 am
Very good Col! I loved this one. I love those pictures!
I couldn’t imagine losing Beth, Molly or Kim – uncles were hard enough let alone sisters.
January 10th, 2007 11:04 am
I have (had) four siblings and my hubby had none. I think he is a little better adjusted then I. But then, the love and attention from his parents wasn’t divided.
January 10th, 2007 11:49 am
Nancy, Try the link at the bottom of the piece. You’re right the first one doesn’t work, but the other one does for me. I’ll try to fix the first one.
Deana, I can relate. I think adults are meant to socialize children at LEAST as much as the siblings socialize eachother, but if they are absent or busy working, it can fall too fully on the children which can create some brutality because that’s too much to ask of them at that point. Even if the parents are engaged, the pecking order can get intense. I know my son’s fighting was the hardest part of raising them for me.
January 10th, 2007 1:38 pm
Colleen, There is one aspect of sibling relationships that is almost never covered. In almost every other relationship we have we pick the other member, with family you never get that option. For good or bad the siblings we get are the siblings we get. We learn to love them, sometimes even like them (not that it’s required). We fight and we make up. I found my love for my siblings expanded once I realized I didn’t have to really like them all that much, which oddly made it easier to actually like them.
When I look at the personalities of my siblings, I know for a fact that if I were to meet them in public, they would not necessarily be people I would develop a friendship with. Our interests are too divergent, we probably would never have met without the tie of family. So even though we share the bonds of blood and love, there are many ways that we are totally different. Just look at the number of family squabbles that happen during the holidays and you understand that even with the blood ties, the personality conflicts still mount.
Thanks for making me think about this and try to put my thoughts in order (somewhat anyway)
January 10th, 2007 2:38 pm
Thanks for your thoughtful input, Gary. I sometimes think of a family as a microcosim of the larger human family and in our little family nucleus we get to learn skills of caring, conflict resolution, and etc, which hopefully we can then extend to the larger human family. In my satsang meditation group we talk about being of service to others and other high ideals as part of our goal in becoming better people. Eknath Eswaran, the teacher of the passage meditation technique we use, always says (in his books) practice this first on family members. Unconditional love may be something we sometimes have to develop. When it’s been modeled and given to us, it’s so much easier to practice. For me, it’s about seeing beyond the personality and realizing that everyone is ultimately trying to get their needs met (and to be accepted) and we tend to go about that in contstuctuve or destructive ways.
In my family, we are mostly cut from the same cloth and we recongize that in each other. I think genetically we have (mostly Irish) genes that are wired for “the clan” way of being. I have had the experience (not with a blood family member) of having to have boundaries from someone and wishing them well from afar.
January 10th, 2007 2:53 pm
This is a heart-wrenching entry. My cousin Jayne and I were both only children, but we called each other “sister” and knew each other from an early age. We grew up in different homes, but losing her was tough.
Mary is the second-born of five (and the oldest daughter), and I’ve seen how strongly her siblings have influenced her. One of the reasons she is so wonderful at massage is because in her family it was a shared activity “that was neither punitive nor competitive.” Like me, her mother is an only child.
Re your note: Mary’s been giving me info on MVP and CFS that I’ll e-mail to you from my Earthlink address.
January 10th, 2007 4:02 pm
I am going to go read that article now. Thanks for mentioning it. I always enjoy reading your blog.
January 10th, 2007 5:49 pm
You wrote so beautifully about your tragic loss in “The Jim and Dan Stories” and it made me even more aware of how lucky our family has been. Although their Dad is gone and I’ve struggled with alcoholism, all 3 of my children have formed bonds that are like no other. Thanks for your insight.
January 10th, 2007 5:51 pm
Very interesting post and article.
You might know…I’m an only child. Growing up I always wanted a sibling, because I was the only one in my class without any.
As an adult…I’ve come to see I was supposed to be an only child. (Read The Souls Code) I’m never lonely, love and enjoy my own company as much as I love socializing. Any opinions, etc. that I’ve formed were never influenced or brought about by a sibling, which I think contributed to making me the independent person I became.
I also feel that deep friendships that I’ve formed may account for lack of siblings….I have nobody to share my history with. So older friends from childhood are extremely valuable to me. And I go out of my way to nuture them for that reason.
All this said….I’m glad I did have 3 children and THEY have siblings.
January 10th, 2007 9:41 pm
I definitely agree with all of this. Maybe because of this, in losing your brothers, they really do live on in you and your other siblings in all they have shaped you to be. A comforting idea perhaps. They become so closely entwined we see ourselves in them and vice versa every day.
January 10th, 2007 11:27 pm
your book is on my “must read in 2007” list
January 10th, 2007 11:30 pm
I read the same article. And right now there aren’t many words to add to yours. My siblings are everything to me and the loss of one has taken me all the way to the ground.
January 10th, 2007 11:47 pm
Colleen, this was perfect timing for me. I am having dinner with my only sister tommorrow night, in honor of her birthday. Just the two of us. Our time will be the sweeter for what I have read here tonight.
Susan
January 11th, 2007 1:15 pm
I was recently impressed by a Kluger article too. Good to get the good news about singletons too.
You might want this book of poems on working thru grief. http://www.ellensteinbaum.com/afterwords.html
January 11th, 2007 1:35 pm
I can not help but feel sadness as I read your post. I too believe in the strength of the bond between siblings. The sadness comes from the fact that I am currently estranged from one of my sisters. I love her so but the turmoil that is much of her life leaves me drained. The forgivness is there but so is the fear of further episodes.
January 11th, 2007 9:32 pm
I have to read that article. My experience and my wife’s in the sibling category are starkly different.