My Love/Hate Relationship with Writing
AKA: She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not
As soon as I hit the SEND button, emailing my letter of application for a possible Roanoke Times columnist position, I started to come up with excuses for why I couldn’t do it if I was chosen. In early January 2007, when the “Call for Columnists” was announced in the paper, several friends called to make sure I saw it and to encourage me to apply. I was hesitant from the beginning. I figured if I applied I might have a 50/50 chance of getting the job, or maybe a little less since the editor made it clear that he was particularly interested in conservative voices (of which I am not) to balance the paper’s editorial positions. But did I even want to try?
I consider myself to be a productive writer. The narrative stories I’ve written for our local paper (The Floyd Press) and the radio essays I’ve read on WVTF these past couple of years have given me a boost of new confidence. Even so, I have an underlying tendency to believe that my writing is a fluke, that each piece I write could be my last, that I’ll never be able to repeat a success, or muster the muse again. It’s as if the writer part of me is my alter-ego and the other part, which is running the rest of my life, doesn’t have a clue that I write. When people approach me and comment on something I’ve written, I’m usually surprised. Although I greatly appreciate hearing feedback, I have a tendency to feel awkward about it, as though it isn’t my writing they’re talking about.
I don’t do well under the pressure of deadlines, writing on cue, or being a company employee. A favorite quote that describes my resistance to such things was made by an Irish pool player named Danny McGoorty. He said, “I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy.”
I’ve learned to protect my own privacy because, as my friend Doug recently said when asked how he was doing while recovering from pneumonia, “I’m good for a half a day.” As one who has managed Chronic Fatigue for the past 30 years, I have learned to prioritize and not waste time on things I wasn’t meant to be doing (and I’m so good at it that if you see during my better half of day, you’d never guess my struggle).
The columnist position would hardly be a 9-5 job. According to the editor, the paper wanted several writers to provide a column a couple of times a month. A twice a month deadline seemed doable enough, but after retiring from full-time foster care in May of 2005 to devote myself to writing, I’ve been on the computer more than anyone I know. For me, writing generally starts first thing in the morning and continues on and off throughout the day. It usually doesn’t end until I tiptoe up the stairs to my office for some tweaking and editing after my husband has fallen asleep.
“You already miss me,” I said to him. “Could you handle me being at the computer even more than I already am?” He, a counselor, viewed my question as a defense mechanism designed to deflect my own sense of insecurity.
I enjoy freelancing stories to the Floyd Press (the key word is “freelance”), and those hometown stories are ones I would write whether or not they appeared in the Press. Writing for the Floyd Press, posting entries to my blog every day, putting together the Museletter (a community newsletter) every month, writing poetry, and creating press for the Spoken Word Night that my writer’s circle helps sponsor are all activities natural to me that fit into my small town life. And yet, I have to trick myself into doing some of those. I don’t like to admit, even to myself, that I’m working on a particular story or blog entry until a fully fleshed out first draft is in my hand as proof. When a subject interests me, I take appropriate photos and make mental notes, and then I wait to see if the writing begins itself. If I make a linear decision to write about something, I’m prone to take myself too seriously. When that happens a formality is likely to interfere with my everyday voice, causing the flow of my words to become disjointed and stifled.
The Roanoke Times is not a small town paper. As the editor calling for columnists pointed out, it “comes with an audience that makes those of any but the biggest national blogs pale in comparison.” That’s around a quarter of a million readers. The thought of writing a column for an audience that size makes me nervous on the scale of being asked to read poetry at the Academy Awards, as opposed to reading at the Café Del Sol in Floyd, which I have already proven I can do.
On the other hand, being a columnist was something I thought I always wanted. I couldn’t see myself NOT submitting.
Post Note: To be continued … Find out how this story ends. (I’ll probably post the rest sometime in the next few days).
March 14th, 2007 7:41 am
Good luck to you. I know you would be great.
March 14th, 2007 7:49 am
colleen- i will be interested in finding out what happens. i think there is no question that you are capable of it, as i think your readers would agree.
the question would be if you can overcome the insecurities you are feeling. i think your husband may be right. but i am similar when something has a deadline or is “forced” on me, so i understand.
use that “wise woman” voice inside to guide you! 🙂
March 14th, 2007 7:54 am
This is so exciting. You are a writer and good one, too! It’s ok to be nervous just do it anyway!
And, Friday is the biggest day of the year for abundance, astrologically. Then we have the eclipse and then the equinox. Lots of energy to support your dreams right now!!!
March 14th, 2007 8:07 am
Thanks for the encouragement! I already know the answer, but the story was too long for one post. And it’s more about what the process put me through than the outcome. I’m going to change the last bit of wording in the front so people will know I’m telling a story that already happened.
March 14th, 2007 8:08 am
You go, girl! Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I know you would be great!
March 14th, 2007 8:26 am
Oh, being a columnist was the most liberating writing I’d ever done (I had a weekly column in my college paper.) I could write about ANYTHING. I, for one, hope you get the gig.
March 14th, 2007 8:27 am
This is very exciting. And I’d be terribly nervous too. Sometimes you just have to give it a try to settle the question, and anything that comes of it is a bonus.
March 14th, 2007 8:28 am
Colleen..you and I are soooo alike!!! Wonder if it’s inherited? I find myself wanting to do things, but then finding excuses to keep me from doing them. Sometimes, I close my eyes and take a leap. Commitment is a scary thing! I just took a leap this weekend..and have had panic attacks ever since! Looking forward to seeing how this story ends! PS. Weather is getting nice..maybe we can plan to visit soon.:)
March 14th, 2007 9:02 am
I’ve been around long enough to learn that many, if not most, writers and creative types suffer from the imposter complex. Thank you for your very personal and eloquent expression of that. I relate.
March 14th, 2007 9:07 am
I say go for it!!! From just reading your blog it is quite apparent to me that you have a natural talent with words. As they say.. “there is little to lose and a whole lot to gain by trying”.
Wishing you luck.
March 14th, 2007 10:36 am
I’ve always thought my self-deflection has something to do with my Irish Catholic genes. Going to Ireland and seeing so many people who were just like my family members explained a lot to me about myself and was worth 10 years of therapy.
I heard Nicole Kidman speak recently. She is very shy. She said something I really related to: “I get very nervous, but I like to be brave.” I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.
March 14th, 2007 12:07 pm
Yes, I will join the consensus and say go for it, and good luck. We will all be waiting anxiously til Friday to see what the outcome is. Heck, you write about Scrabble and make it entertaining!
~susan
~patchwork reflections
~memories in a jar
March 14th, 2007 2:02 pm
I have never been good at writing “on demand” unless it is a demand I have placed on myself, so I really relate to your feelings of having to come up with something on a given schedule, weather it is once a week or once a month or whatever….On the other hand Colleen, it would be a very exciting challange to write for The Roanoke Times, wouldn’t it? Personally, I hope you get the job, as long as you have the freedom to write about whatever you want, whenever you want. My fingers are crossed for you, my dear.
March 14th, 2007 5:04 pm
I think you can do it, no question. If it were 9-5, I’d say you were crazy because of the energy you’d need. I’d peobably try it and just cut back on blogs for awhile to see if it was possible to do everything you did before, plus the column.
Me personally, I don’t wish to take on more things since my CFS/Fibro is in balance now and I wouldn’t want to push my limits. I’m happy now and have just the stress level I can comfortably cope with.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
March 14th, 2007 6:39 pm
I was so happy to read what you wrote about your writing process. It sounds just like me! I thought that since you blog so regularly and so well you were beyond any feelings like that. I love reading anything you write!
I emailed you last year, and you encouraged me to start a blog. I have been waffling about it ever since–until last week. I finally started one, and all week I’ve been asking myself why, hoping that no one will read it and expect me to keep it up–at the same time that they will. It must be a universal feeling–or maybe it is genetic. I have an Irish/Welsh heritage also! I hope you got the job and I know you’ll do well at it!
March 14th, 2007 7:55 pm
Hi Linda,
Welcome to the blogsphere! I felt very exposed when I first started blogging. I still do on occasion, but I get more out of it than not.
I enjoyed visiting your new blog! I hope you will consider lifting the “this blog does not accept anonymous comments” so I can comment
March 14th, 2007 10:38 pm
Good luck, however it turns out! I’m always nervous when a new job or position is involved, but that eases up once I start getting through it. But there’s the initial, “What the heck am I DOing?!”
March 15th, 2007 7:00 am
I always tell Nyssa, “You never know until you try.” She applied for a summer internship at OU in meteorology. They have notified the selected few and are waiting for confirmation before going to their alternate list. She wasn’t called and feels like she did not get it. Her reaction I thought was good… “I’m disappointed but I needed some failure to keep me sharp. I’ve really had a lot of success lately.” Wish I could ascribe to that outlook.
March 15th, 2007 7:35 am
Colleen I think you’d be great and I would read you religiously! Maybe they will overlook the conservative thing…..honestly I don’t think VA needs anymore conservatives!
March 15th, 2007 7:38 am
BTW Colleen…yesterday driving home we passed the little pawn shop here on Rt 8 and a man was in the parking lot. Martin said “There is Mr. Money.” That is his real name. Bob Money. Mr. Money owns the Pawn Shop. I told Martin I would have to tell you because you often spoke of names like that!
March 15th, 2007 9:59 am
How about you let the universe decide? If you get the job, take it as a big “YES”. If you don’t get the job, take it as a big “Something better awaits you.”
I’m anxious to hear what the universe has to say!
Susan
March 15th, 2007 10:21 am
You’re on my wavelength.
March 28th, 2007 10:55 am
I’ve missed so many entries being gone that I’ve gone back to start at the beginning, so I don’t know yet the outcome.
But I agree with Naomi…My writing can’t be on-demand. Never has been. Even the column I do for the Cedar Key News has to be at MY whim….when the desire hits me. So I also can certainly understand your reluctance. I hate being “locked-in” to anything and it seems the older I get….the more I shy away from stricture.