From First Holy Communion to Community Croning
Maybe age is a clock to wake us from dreaming … or maybe it is the dream … like counting the number of pages in a book … when we should be reading the story … Colleen
The smell of burning sage drifted in the air. Later, it was the Frankincense oil we were anointed with as we were welcomed into the circle of elder women. Nineteen of us being honored were sequestered off to a room in the private home where the ceremony took place while final preparations were made. Then, one by one, we passed through a sheer purple curtain as a younger woman, acting like a gateway keeper between worlds, spoke our names.
I say your names, the curtain parts, a bell announces you to faces waiting with welcome, celebration. Wisdom tells long stories, penetrates. ~ Mara
According to my friend Mara’s poem, published later that month in our community newsletter, a bell rang as we walked down the center of two lines of about twenty-five women on either side. I don’t remember the bell, but I seem to recall hearing the women singing. Looking into each one’s eyes, I walked slowly and intently, savoring their smiles as I wound my way through their human tunnel.
I always thought 50 was my Aunt Gertie … bobby pins and elastic waist pants … But what do I know? … I was raised on sitcoms and the generation gap … What do I know? … I haven’t even had my first hot flash or mid-life crisis … ~ Colleen
After receiving gifts and words of wisdom from the more seasoned crones, each honored woman took turns sharing a talent with the group. One played the banjo, another played the guitar and sang. In past years women have danced and done skits. This year there was much poetry and speaking from the heart. I was on the edge of my throne, I mean seat.
Black scarf wraps your throat with all the words … you said as time spun gatherings like this … swept clean, with feet and hands, respected water. ~ Mara
The joke was that I didn’t want to be croned. I wanted a crown and I got one. After the ceremony and during the feasting I spotted a shiny gold paper crown next to a platter of food on the dining room table. As I was filling my plate with one spoonful of everything, I thought to myself, “I would love to have that crown.” Later, as someone placed it on my head, I was told that it was made for me by the children of the house earlier in the day. I guess the word had gotten out that Colleen wanted to be crowned instead of croned because she found it easier to think of herself as a Queen than a Crone.
Age is a strange orbit spinning on its axis … We know it’s moving but we can’t feel it … Then we arrive and ask “How did we get here?” … Do I have to be 50 … Am I really?
The poem I read, about turning 50, revealed how much fun I’ve had over the years confusing my friends about my age. I’ve been known to lie about it. “It runs in my family,” I told the crowd. “I had several older aunts who after they died we found out their real ages and were shocked. I, on the other hand, only like to shave off a year. It gives me a little time to get used to the chronological number. I only lie by one year because I don’t want people saying, ‘doesn’t she looks old for her age?’
Planets shone outside, we ate, we heard the songs of the circles open and unbroken … ~ Mara
The truth is sometimes I forget what age I am.
How come age isn’t like art or poetry? … How come it’s hard cold facts? … A labeled box that doesn’t fit …. A branded number that follows your name … And just when you get use to it … it changes … ~ Colleen
Women in their 50’s are hardly crones. We live longer than we did in the past, and some feel that the triple spiral, representing the three stages of women lives, “maiden, mother, and crone,” should evolve a new swirl that incorporates “matriarch” into the mix. But that’s getting technical. The child before the maiden isn’t included in the trinity either. And I’m not about to decline an invitation to be honored by a roomful of adoring women by claiming to be too young.
We start fires, ring hours, head home to sleep. I dream unfamiliar women who say “I love you,” then ask my name. ~ Mara 
I’ve worn white ceremoniously on three momentous occasions. When I made my First Holy Communion, at the age of seven, I felt that I was being seen for my true self, beautiful like a bride or a princess in my lacey white dress and matching veil.
Unfortunately, I got distracted with the struggles and activities of life and wouldn’t feel that way again for nearly 40 years. In 1996, when my husband, Joe, and I were married in the presence of friends and family on Blue Ridge Parkway, I resisted my habit of deflecting attention. In my long white tiered dress and with the sun setting and the full moon rising, I let myself embody my own sense of worthiness and be recognized.
My intuition to wear white for this third rite of passage, turned out to be the thread that tied the stages of my life together. It awakened my awareness of the child, the young woman, and mother within me. The act of being recognized by a community of supportive women gave way to a sense of fullness, which overrode the sense of loss for my youth that I thought I might feel.
I’m not cured of lying … or secretly counting … I need glasses to read … but not to see the girl within …. myself and other women … Colleen
Our local woman’s community is strong. I’m grateful to those who tend to it by creating space for its expression, a service that benefits us all. Not only did the ceremony allow me to experience a personal integration of the stages of my life, I felt an integration of the various aged women in the room. As I stood before them like the queen of my own life, reading my poem, I knew that I was modeling the positive possibilities for the younger women in the room, just as the women who had been honored in years past had done for me.
May 13th, 2007 11:21 pm
That sounds really wonderful. Creative expression and the bond of friendship. And I agree–queen is much more fitting than crone.
May 13th, 2007 11:56 pm
thanks for visiting – i’m bookmarking your site to come back and read more of the grief posts because right now i’m full :/
re: the acupuncture – yep – real! re: laurie – thank you. i found 3 cards she gave me and somewhere there is the beaded dragonfly that i will hang in the window, plus 4 cds of music and lots of photos. all very comforting.
May 14th, 2007 7:23 am
I loved this: “…I felt that I was being seen for my true self, beautiful like a bride or a princess in my lacey white dress and matching veil.”
May 14th, 2007 7:44 am
What a nice ceremony…I was talking about my first holy communion this past week. I thought I was a bride and so beautiful. I think you look adorable too and I think you did a good job with the comparison. xox
PS When you were in your 20’s living with me……..you used to ask me how old you were??
May 14th, 2007 8:04 am
you are such an inspiration, colleen….beautiful,
beautiful ,beautiful! i, too, forget my age and have to think about it when someone asks….. you all have a wonnderful community of women there in floyd.
does it happen to be this wise woman’s birthday today? was wondering what prompted the post………
May 14th, 2007 8:33 am
It is my birthday week, so this is a good start for that. I went to this ceremony a couple of weeks ago and it took me awhile to get it down in words.
May 14th, 2007 8:53 am
Thank you for getting this down on paper! What a beautiful ceremony. My “private” croning ceremony was wonderful but I would also like to experience this with a group of other crones or queens!hehe I am reading a book now entitled “How Did I Get Here?”…that question seems to be popping up a lot, even in your post.
When is your Birthday and how old will you be? I’ll be sure to add l year to it.
Susan
May 14th, 2007 9:13 am
I only hope that I can experience half of what you have described. Beautiful!
May 14th, 2007 9:18 am
How sweet of the kids to make you your own crown! You sound like me wanting something like that….do you guys not have the red hats? Are you your own seperate group just for Floyd?
May 14th, 2007 9:42 am
Our women’s group started in the late 80’s. We used to meet once a month to meditate, share, and do ceremony together, but now it only happens sporadically. These bigger ceremonies only happen every five years, and yes, women who are not from Floyd do come. It was announced in the Museletter, gets around by word of mouth, and happens largely because of one woman who has been leading life passages for the past twenty years (and who I’ll be writing about later in the week).
The link to the poem reveals the secret to my age, but you might need a pencil to do the math! You’re not supposed to add a year, but subtract one, Susan!
Nature does have a way of making us ready for the stages we’re in even though we don’t think that will happen, and even if we sometimes need a nudge.
May 14th, 2007 11:05 am
haha Colleen…we will have to discuss the adding/subtracting thing…my forte has neve been math!
I wore a scarf very similar to yours on Saturday night. I wore mine with a green shirt. I like the way you wove the symbolism of white into your story.
Susan
May 14th, 2007 11:48 am
Funny thing is that green scarf has triple spirals on it and so does the green cloth hanging around the mirror. I also like the way you can see my hands outside the mirror, suggesting two realities.
A young woman named Dove snapped that photo and I’m grateful she did.
May 14th, 2007 12:00 pm
I worked, delivering flowers for a large corporate event on my 50th birthday, and came home to a dinner cooked for me by my daughter-in-law, and black balloons strung through the kitchen chandelier. LOL Your ceremony was MUCH better!!
May 14th, 2007 3:20 pm
Bless. I wish I could have been there.
May 14th, 2007 4:07 pm
What a wonderful rite of passage. How wonderful to create it for each other.
May 14th, 2007 5:07 pm
Men don’t have anything like this. But when I turn 50 later this year, I want a gold cap for my left incisor.
Sounds like a wonderful experience.
I’m late with my Happy Mothers Day, by the way. Sorry. Hope you had one!
May 14th, 2007 5:13 pm
Will you be 52 on May 17th? 🙂
Susan
May 14th, 2007 5:18 pm
Not 52. Here’s a poetic way to say it:
A poem I wrote in my early 20’s goes like this:
I was born in Quincy in 1950
My father was in the Navy
and my mother was pretty
Are you doing the math in your head yet?
Here, want a pencil?
May 14th, 2007 5:47 pm
Crone is an ugly word for what must be a freeing stage of womanhood. When I hear “crone” I picture the evil queen’s witch disguise in Snow White. I don’t blame you for preferring a crown! You should coin another term that better represents the wisdom and grace of women in their 50s and beyond.
May 14th, 2007 7:04 pm
happy birthday week, colleen…and i loved your comment over on my breastfeeding post…..i know you would have been one to give me warm and approving glances if you passed by. 🙂
May 14th, 2007 7:17 pm
Personally, I like the term “wise woman” which we have also used. Crone is an archetypical term. Here are a couple of excellent sites that explain the term and why some women are reclaiming it.
http://www.croning.org/pages/534083/index.htm
http://www.cronechronicles.com/
May 14th, 2007 8:39 pm
Love the First Communion photo. Ironically, there was one on my blog the same day. (My darling Emma.)
Also love your crone ceremony. Age should be celebrated not feared–though I’ve been known to do a little bit of year shaving myself…
Someday I hope to be like my grandfather. He never said he was eighty-five. Instead, he proudly proclaimed he was in his “eighty-sixth year.”
May 14th, 2007 11:16 pm
50 isn’t even close to being a crone!
I love your wedding pics and the way you did everything! So special! What kind of apple was it? !!!
May 15th, 2007 12:28 am
I had to laugh about the croned and crowned…. I think a crown would be nice too… doesn’t even have to be gold… just as long as it is encrusted with fabulous diamonds or rubies or emeralds, even a few pearls and sapphires. Wouldn’t we look grand in that?
May 15th, 2007 8:16 am
Sounds beautiful! Whitney just recieved her First Holy Communion two weeks ago. I had to fix her hair for her and she looked sooo pretty! Sorry I am writing so late responding. I had my gallbladder removed last Tues and have been a little “off” with everything. I’ll have to send you some pictures of the kids! Congratulations on your Croning and your Crowning!:)
May 15th, 2007 9:34 am
This is getting TERRIBLY embarrassing but I have to keep going, in the hopes of redeeming myself. 🙂 If you were born in 1950, that would make you 57 in a few days but now I am confused about the shaving off of a year. Do I need to shave a year off 1950 or add one? You don’t have to answer because it will be too embarrassing for me to do another math calculation.lol Let me say…you look like you are in your forties so there is no need for the subtraction of a year.
Susan
May 15th, 2007 10:01 am
Thanks, Colleen, for sharing your croning ceremony. I was croned almost five years ago, a few weeks after “retiring” at 62 and long before I had a blog to record it. If we had other crones in Chattanooga, I was unaware of it, so I invited friends from far and wide and designed a ceremony myself. One friend flew in from Connecticut, one came from St. Louis (and stayed), one came from my own neighborhood, several from around town. We had a hand drum, a cedar flute, and gifts for all the women present. From a variety of single, loose beads, each woman chose one and told why that bead was appropriate for me; from those beads I would have a bracelet. We shared the story of the triple goddess (maid, mother, crone) using my metal wall hanging of three women holding hands in a circle, especially pleased that the mother-figure had a baby at her breast, that infant representing the earliest stage of a woman’s life. One woman was so moved by it all that she asked to join me in being croned, so we included her that very day. Although my son said later, “Mom, you’d kill me if I called you a crone,” I am currently putting on paper my “Wisdom of a Lifetime” for my children and grandchildren. I’m also a red hatter … http://plumcrazyredhatmamas.blogspot.com … but that isn’t nearly as special as being croned. Maybe I should add eco-crone to my titles because of my interest in the environment … http://greeningtheblueplanet.blogspot.com … and I’m also continuing the quest … http://continuingthequest.blogspot.com … to make this a better world. By the way, I’m 67 and claim every year because I earned each one the hard way, by living it and not always loving it. But hey, I’ve learned a lot and have come a long way, baby!
May 15th, 2007 10:41 am
Thanks for sharing that, Bonnie! I plan to check out each link later today.
Susan, I say I’m 55 when I’m 56. I’m not 57 YET!
Tammy, take care of yourself!!
May 15th, 2007 12:44 pm
Everything about this post is Wonderful! I love that the women in your community have this ‘right of passage’…but what you say is true. At 50, no one is a crone…(lol)….They need to add in that other level, as you said.
May 23rd, 2007 9:25 am
What a profound ceremony and rite of passage. And how fortunate for you to be able to participate. (I’m jealous..wish we had something like that here)
Really enjoyed reading all about it.
I just turned 60 in March. Although the actual “age” doesn’t bother me a bit, I will admit…the other day at the dr. for a check-up when she asked, “how old are you?” for the first time saying “60” it felt SO foreign on my tongue. Every year has been special to me…the good, the bad, the in-between. So I don’t shave off any of the time, but I hug it to me and savor each moment that got me exactly where I am this very moment.
And a VERY Happy Belated Birthday to you, Colleen.
September 14th, 2007 11:45 pm
Colleen, I wasn’t dreaming up themes for new blogs. You knew about Plum Crazy Red Hat Mamas before your birthday this year (see my comment above, dated May 15, 2007). You are my favorite crone, dear heart.
I responded to your Plum Crazy comment: I remember that you were crowned when croned! I was croned in 2002, so I’m a bit ahead of you. Aha, so you already have your royal title: Queen of Words. Did you read down far enough to discover I’m the Baroness of Blarney?
May 23rd, 2009 2:58 pm
What a beautiful story. I am 55 and looking for a group. I hope I can be as blessed as you
March 27th, 2017 11:07 am
Wonderful to read!