Conscious Loving: From Co-dependency to Co-commitment
I recently picked up an old dog-eared book from 1990 called Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment because I needed some fresh insight on some challenging family dynamics. The book is just as good now as it was 20 years ago when Joe and I participated in a study group that was exploring its themes of conflict resolution and self-awareness and practicing the book’s interactive study guide together. I realized while re-reading that so many of the insights we learned from this book have been the foundation of our honest communication and are skills that we are still working on today. Below is a selection of gems that I had underlined in the book.
– Most of us arrive at our adult relationships with a backlog of ancient hurts, fears, and angers. The source of these wounds has often been forgotten, so that it looks like our current relationships are causing us to hurt. In fact, our current relationships are the area in which we have the opportunity to clear up these hurts and free ourselves of these patterns from the past.
– If you tell the truth at all times, you will have clear relationships with everyone. If you do not, things will get out of control very quickly. To get back into the flow of harmony, all your have to do is look to see where you stopped telling the truth to yourself or someone else, and fix it by telling the truth.
– One of the hallmarks of an evolved person is the ability to tell the truth with no fear of punishment or expectation of reward.
– Withdrawal and projection are the natural outcomes of withholding. When you withhold, you keep inside yourself things that should be expressed. The very act of hiding these things takes you one step back from the relationship. A result of this withdrawal is that you will begin to project. In other words, you will begin to attribute to other people things that are actually issues of your own.
– Rescuing is when you interfere with people’s power by doing something for them that they ought to do for themselves. Rescuing denies the other person the opportunity to be effective. When you rescue, you actually devalue and dis-empower the person.
– True self-love is not conceit. Conceit is trying to prove to yourself and the world that you are all right, after you have become mired in self-hate. True self-love is an ongoing celebration of who you are no matter how well you perform. It is an ability to greet the dark parts of yourself with the same gracious embrace as you greet the light.
– The distortion of the yearning for closeness is clinging. The distortion for the urge for separation is withdrawing.
– Fear mobilizes your body for action, but if you do not take action the energy curdles in your body.
– By holding the peripheral muscles of the body in a state of chronic tightness, we block the flow of information that we could be getting from deeper inside us.
– By noticing the process of going unconscious, it is possible to stay awake and open to positive energy for longer periods of time.
– You will be surprised that when you allow yourself to feel a given feeling, it usually does not last that long. Repress it or interrupt yourself in the middle of it, and it will usually last much longer.
– With a strong commitment to inquiring into yourself, the universe does not have to use catastrophe to wake you up.
– We invite you to stop centering your life on seeking approval or avoiding disapproval.
– Any feeling, fully felt, leads to love.
August 29th, 2011 1:43 pm
great pointers toward intimacy. sounds like a very insightful book. thanks for sharing.
whenever we hide our true selves we cannot accept love from others because the overwhelming qt. of “what would s/he say or feel if s/he truly knew who i really am” always seeps in. ultimately nothing is gained from hiding ourselves because we know the deceit and always question the validity of love given in the presence of it.
“clinging” and “withdrawing” are often interlocking behaviors and one behavior often attracts the other creating the opportunity for 2 people to work out these issues often learned within our families of origin.
August 29th, 2011 3:19 pm
even later on it’s relevant in many ways. very insightful and consistent in changing times. thanks for sharing. if it were mine it would be dog-eared too…
August 29th, 2011 5:46 pm
WOW!! I really like these. And of course….I love you! xoxo
PS I hope your arm is healing each day.
August 29th, 2011 8:37 pm
Some good thoughts…but this does not sound too easy. It is something I must work at each day. I find I get more tender as I get older and while I am more accepting of others actions, I also want more and more time alone to find peace.
August 29th, 2011 10:06 pm
I actually find I have less patience/emotional stamina than in the past for dysfunctional patterns that are complained about but don’t change. I think it may be in part age and in part because I have compromised energy and so can’t afford to waste it on situations that feel like a sieve.
August 30th, 2011 8:53 am
Great thoughts, and especially relevant to me today as I was writing about Letting Go. I definitely needed to read some of these words. Thanks so much for sharing them.
September 10th, 2011 3:05 pm
Timely and wonderful insights. Thank you!
December 11th, 2013 1:16 pm
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