I Put You on Speaker Phone
Your room is yellow
quiet with a window
no roommates
no peanut butter crackers
for breakfast
You love the nurses
but want to go home
You thought your granddaughter
gave you a sponge bath
I laughed when I asked
“How many fingers am I holding up?”
but was really thinking
“How many daughters do you have?”
and, “Do you know which one I am?”
When I was an infant in the hospital
I was separated from you for a month
And now it’s me asking
“What do you need?”
You said, “Bye honey
I love you” three times
But couldn’t manage
to hang up the phone
“It’s okay
Just pretend I’m sitting
in the chair by the window
You can forget I’m here
and take a nap”
“I wonder if it’s still snowing”
you said after a long pause
And then “Now you sound gone”
“Are you still there, Coll?”
Holding the phone like a baby monitor
I heard you cough
and your beating heart
that omnipresent sound
a baby’s life revolves around
What kind of voodoo is this?
I wondered if I was intruding
and briefly felt intruded upon
as I remembered being the child
who tried not to bother you
Maybe its time to navigate
those faraway connections
those unseen blurred lines
where the dead and living mingle
That’s the story I told myself
as I fixed my lunch and watched
the conspicuous phone on the chair
Until the connection timed out
The silence was deafening
I imagined you
peacefully sleeping
__Colleen Redman__Real Toads in Imaginary Gardens__dVerse Poets Pub
February 9th, 2015 5:36 am
Well, my dear, you are walking a sad path right now and I bless you for sharing it with such beautiful words. Just pretend I am standing there helping you dry dishes.
February 9th, 2015 10:08 am
Thank you, friend.
February 9th, 2015 11:20 am
This is written with beautiful words! I won’t be able to see her today either!!
February 10th, 2015 12:12 am
I know the agony of having an ill loved one separated by miles. Thinking of you and your family and sending you love.
February 10th, 2015 1:16 am
These are the ridges walked upon, the view different from day to day. Exposed to the elements with little or no shelter. But I could never for the life of me figure out why the only concern centered on ‘whats the weather like?’
February 10th, 2015 12:47 pm
Wow, Colleen. This really moved me.
February 10th, 2015 2:18 pm
What a piece to recognize yourself in.. when roles are reversed and we need to babysit our old ones.. with that confusion setting in.. my mother is too far away too, but usually know who I am when I call… it’s a gradual loss indeed.
February 10th, 2015 2:41 pm
This is really beautiful.
February 10th, 2015 5:08 pm
Oh Colleen. Wonderful.
February 10th, 2015 7:10 pm
This is heartachingly beautiful work, CR. My hat is off.
This might interest you:
https://rlavalette.wordpress.com/2013/12/07/the-kindness-of-strangers/
February 10th, 2015 8:37 pm
you captured the heart of this situation… in caring for my Dad… i too had wondered if he knew who I was… the struggle is so clear in this piece
February 11th, 2015 9:38 am
Very vivid, and a lot under the surface here–the relationship of child to mother, of past to preesnt, and of self to future self perhaps, expressed with a calm that is much like a mother has when she rocks an infant–that you can do this, and so much and no more.
February 11th, 2015 10:29 am
Haunting and beautiful~ It is voodoo stabbing our hearts-when we can’t be close. But, your spirits are tangled in love and red thread.
February 11th, 2015 11:20 am
This is a heart-breaking and heart-warming story all in all.
February 11th, 2015 1:36 pm
Yes, like Kerry, I find it heartbreaking and heartwarming. The reversal of roles at this time of life is difficult, life coming full circle. I can feel the love and pain in this poem. So real. This is how it is. Exactly.
February 11th, 2015 6:21 pm
There is so much love in the midst of the sorrow, longing and mixed message memories… but love, love is the thread that connects beyond a phone call, a moment of eye contact or hand holding… love is that beating heart connection eternal.
February 11th, 2015 6:43 pm
[…] and can’t walk on her own) that it wasn’t going to happen. The dream, which I had after writing THIS poem, made me think about an elder person’s ability to exist in between worlds at a certain point […]
February 11th, 2015 8:03 pm
aargh, totally wrenching. that phone like a baby monitor slayed me. how telling. thank you.
February 12th, 2015 12:12 am
It is a very beautiful post, Colleen, and so sad—yet, filled with love and understanding. It dies feel like you are in-between two worlds at a certain point in life—-I feel myself inching towards that and I see many of my friends who are still here, struggling on into this phase and this lonely place…..Life. Sometimes it is so very very hard.
That first photo of the ripples in the sky is just Gorgeous! Nature’s magical ways…..It’s all miraculous, isn’t it?
Another terrific T13!!!!
February 28th, 2015 6:14 pm
so real… so really sad… so full of mercy
February 28th, 2015 6:15 pm
I know these feelings intimately – I am caring for my mom now with hospice help. This is a beautifully felt and written poem by a good daughter.
February 28th, 2015 6:24 pm
what a hard time…my gramma is there…and we are trying to get her to accept care..and she is starting to lose coherence at times…its quite sad….do take care of yourself through this…
February 28th, 2015 6:32 pm
I can’t imagine the challenges of taking care of an aging parent ~ The ending is sweet note and your love strongly resonates ~
February 28th, 2015 9:37 pm
What a powerful poem about a barely bearable situation. I applaud your skill and voice!
February 28th, 2015 9:58 pm
This sounds like a hard and painful situation. I guess that as our parents age many thoughts, memories and interrogations beset us.
February 28th, 2015 10:00 pm
Beautifully written Colleen–you and I are somewhat on the same path today
February 28th, 2015 10:59 pm
A very poignant poem, Colleen. Heart-wrenching.
March 1st, 2015 3:09 am
Oh to revisit this poem again does not make it worse.. A wonderful strong poem Colleen.
March 1st, 2015 3:57 am
I really can’t stand it when they don’t know who you are; it’s like you never existed.
in state, faithful lying
March 1st, 2015 6:08 am
oh heck – that really touched my heart…what a moving write colleen… full of emotions and honesty
March 1st, 2015 6:52 am
sending a big hug.
March 1st, 2015 12:09 pm
Listening to him sleep…love.
March 1st, 2015 3:37 pm
This story touched my heart, reminding me so much of the elderly in the Skilled Nursing facility where I work. Some of the residents have memories that are sporadic at best, yet they still understand that ‘home’ is where they belong, not being taken care if by some nurse. If you visit them, if you call, it means more than they can express, because you are their connection to the reality of who they once were. This is a very poignant and touching write. Thank you.
March 2nd, 2015 5:20 am
A beautiful poignant write. Sleep is sometimes a beautiful place to be.
Kind regards
Anna :o]
March 3rd, 2015 2:33 am
Alas, I know this too well. A beautiful, gentle, truthful piece of writing. These records will matter very much as time goes on. Meanwhile, I know that writing does help somewhat.
September 30th, 2015 10:51 pm
[…] When THIS poem of mine recently appeared in the Floyd County Moonshine Literary Journal, I read it aloud to […]