Losing Poetry
It’s like falling asleep on the subway and missing my stop
Like the first day of kindergarten and my mother drives me to school
but forgets to tell me she’s going to leave me there
and leaves without saying goodbye
It’s the first day of kindergarten and everyone but me
knows how to write their name
I’m scared that Mr. McGregor is going to catch Peter Rabbit
and I don’t know how to be quiet at rest time
It’s like I don’t want to finish the memoir I’m reading
because I think the author is going to die
and it’s not like when someone dies in a book of fiction
you cry but you know it’s not real
The first time I watched someone die in a movie
after I was with my brother Danny when he died
I sobbed like it was real and was someone I knew
Russell Crowe as the Gladiator
It’s like being in Europe with the wrong kind of money
My plugs don’t fit into outlets
I have a car but the keys are locked in it
I don’t speak the language
and my cell phone won’t work
It’s like French class in elementary school
and there is no French translation for my name
So my teacher uses my middle name
I’m embarrassed to be called Ann
I’m embarrassed by my ugly red shoes
I scruff them up in the playground at recess
hoping they’ll get old fast
and my mother will buy me a new pair
It’s like nighttime and I’m home alone
I hear a mouse but don’t know where it is
I put out poison that kills the mouse
but it leaves a bad smell when it dies
I hope it’s a mouse
and not something bigger
It’s the first day of kindergarten
and I learn to write my name
because somebody shows me how
She dies in the end as we all do
I cry for her children
___________Colleen Redman / Poets United /Imaginary Gardens with Real Toads
October 28th, 2018 10:21 am
There’s so much awkwardness and pain in not writing. You’ve given us a glimpse of many of those awkward and painful moments, paradoxically because you picked up your pen and wrote! 😉
October 28th, 2018 11:35 am
These allusions and comparisons are so good — they capture the essence of discomfort, of a stranded and helpless kind of feeling. I, for one, feel the same way when the flow of words and ideas and thoughts run dry. All the incidences and images are very well captured and they tell a story while also steadfastly proving that perhaps we need not worry after all. A very interesting write.
October 28th, 2018 11:48 am
I love how it all ties back to the title all those moments when you are lost… maybe writing is more about having a map than anything else.
October 28th, 2018 2:12 pm
I’ve read this several times, letting the words and scenes breath their stories and I swear, I can see the red shoes marching into line and place, (such as it is the first taste of “orderliness” in kindergarten) and small legs scuffing desperately in the dirt, and a hand shakily holding a thick stubbed pencil ….
and all the rest of it …. those brief snatches of time, when “lost” is all there is, and it seems like the moment will never end, and without understanding or knowing how, the sudden eruption of feelings, – smallness, shame, guilt, desperate hope …. for it to all stop, so we can feel less “off-tilt” …
pain, grief, sorrow, death, release – fear – and you’ve covered them all, these snatches of time, of memories – and linked them through the chain, which is unnameable and yet wholly formed on the tongue, waiting for the mind, and perhaps spirit, to calm itself, so the stories will come pouring out –
I often wonder, how much of “us” as writers, literally stops, censors and tries to dam up the essentials of what spirit wants/needs to say – and Bjorn’s comment has me thinking, about mapping – and writing – and following or trying to decipher or read, but sometimes, I think, we just need to walk blindly into the wilderness and trust that all will be well ….
October 28th, 2018 3:23 pm
This poem was inspired by another blogger who is doing a 31 day writing everyday challenge but seems to be writing about why she isn’t writing. The title isn’t completely literal as much as a jumping off place to speak to memories and places of vulnerability and loss that have shaped me. Thanks all for your insightful comments.
October 28th, 2018 3:34 pm
As Poets and empathetic beings we must write, it’s a necessity more than anything else ❤️
October 28th, 2018 5:56 pm
Oh WOW, this is so good. It takes me back to all of those feelings of childhood, when parents were too busy and distracted to note my acute discomfort………and having to wear horrid things because there was no money for others……..a wonderful read and great discriptions of what we feel like when we are not writing. I wish I had written this, but am so glad you did. What a very cool perspective for a poem.
October 28th, 2018 9:42 pm
Happy Halloween! You and Poe… : )
ZQ
October 28th, 2018 10:04 pm
I love all of the examples you gave,Colleen. Each stanza gives me something to think of. I know what you mean about reading memoirs. Sad to know the end result. Sad to contemplate our own mortality. I guess when you think about it all of our poems are memoirs, and we do know the ending – eventually.
You titled this poem “What it Feels Like Not to Be Writing,” but the poem is my favorite of all I have read in PU today. You ARE writing!!
October 29th, 2018 6:12 am
I loved the childlike narrative of earlier years with hurried speech and little details and I was in kindergarten with her staring but not saying boo to a goose, lest my own inadequacies were made apparent!
October 29th, 2018 11:24 am
Clearly, not writing is not an option. I love the discomforts you describe here in such a simple yet poignant way. I think we can all relate to your words. This is so nicely done.
October 30th, 2018 11:06 am
Writing about not writing solves the problem of not writing! Kindergarten was traumatic for me as well. My teacher jumped all over me for coloring outside the lines. I’ve been doing that ever since. Don’t let ’em break your spirit.
October 30th, 2018 2:11 pm
This is so powerful and sad.
October 30th, 2018 4:41 pm
This is one of your very best…how not writing is like. I hated kindergarten and actually, all of public school lower than university. This is so very powerful about how society punishes those who don’t quite fit. Writing about not writing solves that problem of not writing.
October 30th, 2018 8:06 pm
Congratulations on making poetry out of not-writing! You describe it so well! I can certainly relate, though have not yet found such an excellent cure myself.
October 30th, 2018 10:39 pm
I love how you have given voice to those youngsters feelings that we felt once too.
October 31st, 2018 11:37 pm
Not being able to write is so frustrating but you did a fine job here.