The Last Dancer
I don’t go to the graveyard to feel the spirits of my loved ones. I dance. Through sustained dance I can forget my self. And if I dance long enough I sometimes come up against the veil between worlds. Sometimes I dance myself scared.
I like to turn up the music and dance in the living room by myself. Not long after my brothers, Jim and Dan, died, I did this until I felt transparent and Jim and Dan’s presence loomed so large in the room that it startled me. I had to sleep with the light on that night.
Yesterday when I danced in my living room I thought about my father. Four months before he died, he was breaking a sweat, dancing the jitterbug at one of his grandchildren’s wedding. When he danced with my mom, he snapped his fingers, and his lips would purse like he was huffing and puffing, but he was really just whistling along. It was obvious watching him that he had all the hippest 1940’s moves.
The baby of eleven, my dad outlived all his siblings and most of his peers. He and my mother were the last of the jitterbuggers at family weddings. She, who has outlived him, all his siblings, and her two younger brothers, has lost her dance partner of 60 years.
As I’m dancing, I’m wondering, how long before my dance steps look antiquated? Will they translate to the next generations? Will my kids play a song for me and Joe to dance to at their children’s weddings? Will they stand around and watch the show?
I’m thinking about Jim dancing at the Surf Ballroom in his mohair sweater and the pressed pants he paid me a quarter to iron, and Danny who swayed to music with his eyes closed and a soulful look on his face. Thinking about my brother Joey dancing makes me smile. He needs such a big space to strut around. And like me, my three sisters all love to dance. When we get together, we get up on the first song and don’t sit down until the last. But I wonder how long our dancing tradition will survive? And who will be the last dancer?
“It’s wanting more that’s going to send me to my knees.” Gravity by John Meyer, the song I was dancing to when this post came to mind.
January 16th, 2008 12:36 pm
“Sometimes I dance myself scared.”
I first read this as, “Sometimes I dance myself sacred.”
January 16th, 2008 12:44 pm
This is a beautiful post. It brought tears to my eyes . Thanks for sharing it.
January 16th, 2008 2:16 pm
do you think that dancing became a big part of who you are because you grew up with parents who danced? i have never been a dancer and neither is my sister, but our parents were not either. i love to watch the latin dancers – their dances feel like art being made before my eyes.
what a gift you give yourself with your dance…it sounds so freeing.
January 16th, 2008 2:33 pm
The biggest factor in me being a dancer is that I grew up in an ameusement park town with dance clubs, The Surf Ballroom, where Sonny and Cher played once, being the most prominent one. Weekend dancing became a way of life. I also attribute my family’s love of dancing to our fun loving Irish genes and the fact that we don’t play musical instruments (unless you call our bodies an accompanying instrument of music). Raising nine kids, my mother and father didn’t get to dance that much but always at weddings they would hit the floor and do their routine.
Funny, & my friend Juniper once got out of a ticket because the cop wrote SCARED down for her license plate when it was actually SACRED.
January 16th, 2008 4:23 pm
Hi Colly, I haven’t visited your blog in awhile but I was inspired to do so today. I teared up remembering Poppa and his dancing, whistling ways. He also whistled while searching for a requested movie out of his giant collection.
Speaking of dancing, did you know three of your nieces just danced at a Celtic’s game last week? Beth, Heather, and I busted a move on the parquet at the Boston Garden before the game! We’re a dancing family alright! It wasn’t the jitterbug, but it was fun all the same.
Cheers to a family of dancers.
January 16th, 2008 4:59 pm
Hi Molly! I guess the dancing genes are not going extinct anytime soon. Did anyone youtube it or get it on video?
Poppa told me that the reason he didn’t wear his teeth is because he couldn’t whistle with them in!
January 16th, 2008 5:55 pm
Another thoughtful blog entry.
Do you remember the lighted picture of you dancing with Dad on your wedding day and Joe dancing with his Mom. It looks similar to this. xo
January 16th, 2008 6:15 pm
I guess the day our own music dies and our song is played for the last time…or the last dance.
No one knows but it is always something most people have wondered. I don’t actually want to be the last one dancing.
January 16th, 2008 8:26 pm
I think my dad found it hard to be one of the very last.
Yes, She I do remember that photo. I love when they turn out like that. This one was taken at one of our Dance Free’s. Probably a combination of low light and me moving the camera.
January 16th, 2008 10:14 pm
from the song”I hope we dance” Put a sober message to you and George W on my blog – street of bl…
January 16th, 2008 11:05 pm
I beg to differ about the jitterbug, Colleen. It will never be antiquated!!
I’ll dance it with your mom. I think if I had a dime for every time I danced the jitterbug, I’d be wealthy!
January 17th, 2008 7:51 pm
Lovely, Lovely, Lovely! Beautiful said, in every way, dear Colleen. Isn’t it wonderful what Dancing does for you? Praise Be, I say…Het, we need to see some video of you dancing! How about that?
January 17th, 2008 10:14 pm
What a delightful post! My partner also dances alone like mad with headphones on! Healing in the music. 🙂