A Murderous Separation
1. The first night was like knowing one of us would die in our sleep. It would be Joe. He would get up at 6 a.m. and slip out before I was awake. Gone for a month long meditation retreat. No phone calls. No emails. No letters. I found myself staying up late, watching him sleep and listening to him breathe. I didn’t want to close my eyes and drift away. I didn’t want to lose the dream we were living.
2. But in the morning I discovered it was me who was buried alive in the tomb of our dark room, in the coffin our bed. I lay still, listening to every creak in the floorboards, as he moved about, readying for a new adventure. I detected the faint smell of his breakfast. I heard the dog food bag rip open.
3. He loosened the covers on some jars in the pantry before he left. A bird, drawn to its own reflection, tapped the window before winging past. The smell of gasoline trailing the truck up the driveway as he left made me think about losing everything in a fire.
September 26th, 2009 6:18 pm
There’s a jar of pickles on my kitchen counter right now, waiting until someone comes to visit and will open it for me. Because the breast bone takes months and months to heal after heart surgery, sometimes I can’t open those “impossible” jars, not even with all the tricks I’ve learned in 69 years. It may be a simple thing, but I love that Joe “loosened the covers on the jars in the pantry before he left.” He’s a good man.
September 26th, 2009 6:49 pm
yes indeed he is..where does he go for retreat?
September 26th, 2009 7:26 pm
A month? That’s harsh. Mr. kenju has gone for weekends or 3-4 days.
September 26th, 2009 8:33 pm
Loosening the covers on the jars is a poetic metaphor for all the things he did around the house before he left that he knew would be hard for me. We have never been separated that long without talking regularly. It will be hard and quite a journey for me as well. The month long is with Insight Meditation in Mass. and it is part of his meditation teacher training, as well as a personal well needed detox from being attached to technology and being overbooked.
September 27th, 2009 12:12 am
i know this retreat is good and healthy for him, but it made me sad that you 2 are separated this long. we have only had 3 days and 2 nights apart with phone calls several times a day, and i was thrilled to pick him up at the airport!
September 27th, 2009 12:14 am
There have been tears.
September 27th, 2009 8:23 am
It must be quite a reunion after a month!
NetChick sent me here.
September 27th, 2009 10:35 am
It will be quite a journey for you as well. I hope you find some joy in it.
September 28th, 2009 10:43 am
Dear Colleen, Do let your friends help you survive this separation. It must be so very hard to lose your one true husband even temporarily. I hope it’s an informative and sustaining journey for you and Joe both. Blessings be.
September 28th, 2009 10:59 am
I would be very very sad and stressed. It is hard to run a house without your mate and I miss him so much at night next to me I feel like I can’t breath. I feel sorry for those with loved ones in Iraq. I feel selfish when a week apart gets to me. I hope you find some growing or learning experience for yourself in your time alone. That is one thing I do try to do when I have to be alone here. Hugs.
September 28th, 2009 11:38 am
Just in the leading up to the separation we have gone through a lot of core learning and we both have an awareness of how much growth is available in this experience.
September 28th, 2009 7:49 pm
You will both be journeying. Time of pangs goes slowly at first.
September 30th, 2009 12:17 am
I hope the time passes quickly!