Dear Dread
I like the life I’ve created. I find pleasure in living. I’m blessed with rich relationships and am supported to do the things I love. Even so, I recently woke up in the middle of the night with an anxious sense of dread. There was no apparent reason for it. I knew it wasn’t real, that fears are heightened at night and that once morning came and I was up and about my normal routine I’d be fine.
In the morning and throughout the next couple of days, I examined the feeling that woke me. Trying to put it into words, I described it as a sense of meaninglessness, a feeling that I was not up to the task of daily living and that life was passing me by.
And it’s true! The majority of my living has already happened, and it’s all going by so fast. I don’t have the motivation for outward epic living or to take on new projects now. I also don’t need a fix or the latest self-improvement. I don’t need more novelty or even more meaningful experiences because the challenge for me is to find meaning from within and to be present to what I already have.
Yes, there is a fatigue factor. There is also an underlying thread of depression that I’ve been aware of for a very long time. But the depressive aspect exists along with curiosity, playfulness and an appreciation for the beauty and richness of life. It’s a balancing act to hold both darkness and light at the same time, one that brings a sense of wonder.
The poet David Whyte talks about the elder stage of life as a time for preparing for our own “great disappearance” and for developing a relationship with the unknown. At this stage of life, I find there are as many big questions as there were when I was in my 20’s and was engaged with others in deep conversations about the universe and the mysteries of humanity on this orbiting planet. But it’s not as theoretical now. It’s in my body, and the unknown is closer at hand.
In his audio series “What to Remember When Waking” Whyte asks, “What if it’s all about nothing, you made it all up just to play the game?” Simply ask the question, he says. He reminds us that humans are the only species that lives with the awareness that we will eventually lose everyone and everything we love, including ourselves. His articulation of aging as a time of soulful harvest is a reality that is rarely talked about openly.
When I told my husband, Joe, about my experience with dread in the middle of the night, he reminded me of when my brothers Jim and Dan died and the hole of grief I found myself in. I wasn’t in a hurry to come out of the hole. It was a powerful and painful place that created a heightened state of awareness. I wanted to learn from it and let it change me. I was open to experiencing it fully, as if it was a foreign country to explore. I took field notes that turned into a book. “Write about it,” Joe said about dread.
I was afraid that I couldn’t trust my clarity, not wanting to impose what I have traditionally judged as negative onto others – fear, doubt and dread – without a solution or conclusion. But the thought of writing about my personal experience of aging as a developmental stage gave me some relief. “I’ll think about it,” I told Joe, laughing as I realized that thinking about it was a step and all I was willing to commit to.
“The word dead is in dread, but so is dear,” I pointed out to Joe. It’s like the paradox of what I am living with, needing a simple life with simple routines, while also finding the repetition of days and chores monotonous. I can’t seem to get enough solitude but too much becomes debilitating isolation. Another balancing act? Yes, one that falls if either piece isn’t recognized.
I think the instinct to pare down my life is right. It makes the inner landscape more visible. I might not always like what I see in that landscape, but it’s there affecting me whether I acknowledge it or not. I know that the sense of dread and monotony I feel is only a reflection of me and my inner world, of the things I’ve left there, put off tending to and witnessing while growing up, raising kids and making a living.
This time of life that I find myself in is not so much about doing (which can be a placating distraction) as it is about being and being with. We slow down for a reason. It takes bravery and honesty to ripen fully. I want to learn from it and let it change me.
September 9th, 2013 11:42 am
I find it remarkable that you at your young age (judging from your photo) and I at 73 share much the same feelings this morning. I awoke at 4:30 a.m. and tossed and turned for more than an hour before my brain finally turned off the swirling misgivings and let me sleep till my alarm sounded. Even driving to my appointment, I was still feeling anxious. But once I walked into the apartment and the young lady and I started sharing her assignment at which I help her in understanding it, I was back in the groove. I am feeling that I need to start my prayers before I rise from my bed instead of waiting till after I eat. maybe…
September 9th, 2013 11:46 am
That picture is about 13 years old. It is of me in Ireland with a shamrock pinned to my sweater. I use it because it represents the spirit in which I started my blog, to tap into the Irish storyteller in me. http://looseleafnotes.com/2012/10/from-the-emerald-isle-to-the-paradise-of-virginia/
I recently turned 63! I find tryptophan helpful for those anxious night thoughts.
September 9th, 2013 1:57 pm
Wonderful writing, Colleen. Having just turned 50 I can relate – suddenly things are different even though it was just a date on the calendar. Somehow I moved from matron to crone and didn’t even know it.
September 9th, 2013 2:30 pm
The process of living, it seems to me, is a balancing act from day one till the very last moment….I have lived with everything you mentioned and lots of things you haven’t, in your beautifully delineated exploration of your life—the stages of living and the changes that take place….More is coming, I assure you….and some of it still very exciting! Indeed, as the body starts to betray us—(As I like to describe this process…) the changes that are forced upon us can be quite daunting. The dread that seems to come from nowhere….What in hell is that about? It just IS….(I love that you said ‘dead’ is in dread and so is ‘dear’….So True….)
No answers, my dear, but I think Joe is right—-DO write about your experience….It will, I promise you, give you a lot, and it will give other people a lot, too….! We live a lonely life in many ways, no matter how connected we are to others….And sometimes it helps to know that one is NOT alone in these lonely feelings. If anyone can express all this with great humanity and depth of feeling, it is you, my dear Colleen….!
September 9th, 2013 2:32 pm
Colleen, thank you for sharing about Dread and those other cousins that come along that sensation. I so relate to everything you have written, am there too at 56. I especially like how you worded the experience:
“It’s a balancing act to hold both darkness and light at the same time, one that brings a sense of wonder.”
About three weeks ago, I started taking 5HTP and it has made a difference in the anxiety and sleepless nights, just takes the edge off but one is still aware of the calling of the darkness and the light.
Onward!
Susan
September 9th, 2013 5:53 pm
Wonderfully written. Powerful and painful, as you said. If anyone can dig down and get to the feelings it would take to write about such a subject, you could. This can be your first chapter.
September 10th, 2013 4:31 am
Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
Stop fighting a fight it’s already been won”
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I’m redeemed
All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember, oh God, You’re not done with me yet
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I’m not who I used to be
Because I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
‘Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I’ve got a new name, a new life, I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, ’cause I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, yeah, I’m not who I used to be
Oh, God, I’m not who I used to be
Jesus, I’m not who I used to be
‘Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed
September 10th, 2013 8:01 pm
WOW!! well written and says more than the words you write down!
September 11th, 2013 12:17 am
I look forward to the days of slowing down where I have more memories then days ahead. But when the time comes perhaps there will be some dread as well. Enjoyed your thoughts.
September 11th, 2013 9:57 pm
[…] 11. I don’t have the motivation for outward epic living or to take on new projects now. I also don’t need a fix or the latest self-improvement. I don’t need more novelty or even more meaningful experiences because the challenge for me is to find meaning from within and to be present to what I already have. ~ From Dear Dread HERE. […]
September 20th, 2017 3:26 am
Our feelings are all to be honored and cherished. The so called negative along with the positive. Society has and most of our culture has zero tolerance for the darkness of life and when people are going through something they have little patience with it – has been my experience. Rather they want to sadness and grief is something taboo and treated by the pharmaceutical industry as a mental illness. Our society is over medicated and seemingly unwilling to discuss feelings unless they’re deemed positive. You can’t have the light without the dark…and stuffing these feelings down (like most of our culture has been trained to do) will never allow the light to shine….XO
September 21st, 2017 8:59 am
Yes, and feelings aren’t right or wrong. They just are. They teach us something about ourselves. And they pass. Too often vulnerability is seen as weakness in our culture. I think delving deeper into ourselves and being honest is so much more satisfying than living superficially.
September 28th, 2017 10:25 pm
This is an excellent meditation … thank you for sharing. I’m not ready yet to give up on ‘experiences’ (for lack of a more articulate expression), but sometimes I feel like I should be… the way our parents and grandparents lived did not prepare me for elderhood.
i do clearly remember thinking (as a young mother) that it would be kind of nice in a way to be old because by then you would have all your problems solved. Yeah, that didn’t quite work out. Except for the getting old part. We did that.